Cee Bee’s Cleaning

NO STARS. Possibly the worst house cleaning experience of my life, and the most expensive. I spoke to the business owner about deep cleaning because my house is on the market for sale. We discussed whether or not they had ladders to clean high windows. We discussed the cleaning of interior windows. He said they would clean the refrigerator. We talked about pet hair, about embedded grease in the kitchen, about detail cleaning – the kind a regular weekly cleaning service doesn’t do. This is in fact what Best Shine advertises. Deep Cleaning.
When Carlos arrived at my house, he asked me to take him through room by room. This seemed like a promising way to begin. I showed him a dirty window sill in one bedroom, and demonstrated how to remove the window screen to access the sill so the crew to do the same in other rooms. I reiterated that this was a DEEP CLEANING. Between my bi-​weekly cleaning lady and myself, the house is clean by most people’s standards. What I wanted and was willing to pay 800 bucks for was detail work. Carlos seemed to understand. The website said Deep Cleaning included washing walls and wiping down cabinets.
Carlos then invited a van full of Yanomami into my home. One woman looked like maybe she had just started wearing shoes the day before. I have no objection to the indigenous people of Brazil. I just wondered why Carlos, a first generation American of Brazilian descent, employed as deep cleaners people who were only recently introduced to running water and electricity. They were lovely people. They simply had zero understanding of houses except the little training Carlos gave them before he drove away. He took the man room to room. The women spoke no English, the man only a few words like «pay» and «money», words Carlos had taught him were important. I don’t think the word «clean» was in anyone’s vocabulary.
Carlos left and the crew padded about the house doing what my regular cleaning lady does, only less well. One woman approached me for paper towels because Carlos didn’t give them any (I knew this as a result of an elaborate sign language we developed that consisted of her grabbing the paper towels and scurrying away). At three o’clock I asked the man what time he thought they’d be done. I had dogs to pick up (as a courtesy to the crew, I paid an additional hundred bucks to get my three dogs out from under their feet for the day). The man, once he understood my question, said «thoortee minute». This I took to mean «30 minutes». A cursory glance around revealed that no walls had been touched. No, I misspeak. The walls had been touched, but not for the purpose of cleaning. There may have even been some new fingerprints – tiny Yanomami prints. But no effort had been made to clean a single square inch of walls. I gesticulated wildly to explain, but the man could not make out what minor deity had afflicted me with a fit of apoplexy. I then called Carlos and left a message saying that I had asked for Deep Cleaning, and that it appeared I was not getting Deep Cleaning. The man’s phone then rang, and as he spoke (to Carlos I would imagine) he walked around my kitchen looking at window sills. Carlos then phoned me and said how much he wanted me to be a satisfied customer and that the crew would stay to attend to the remaining details. I stepped out for a walk so the small people could work in peace, and when I returned the man was nervously pacing about waiting for his check. I asked, «how much?» He said, «eight hundred dollars» clear as a bell. That much Carlos had taught him. I asked for a receipt. He said «mail» as in Carlos would mail me a receipt. More than a week late, no receipt has arrived.
After they drove away in their tribal quonset hut on wheels, I examined the house. The grease and fingerprints I’d specifically shown to Carlos were still there. Dog hair lingered in the cracks between the tiles and on the baseboards. There was no evidence the refrigerator had been cleaned. When I called Carlos to complain, I asked, «how much are you paying these people, anyway?» Very little, I suspect. And how does Carlos expect his crew to do their job when he does not offer any oversight and when the crew cannot speak English? These people are probably paid a small wage, maybe $ 5/​hour, in return for which Carlos makes a whopping $ 680 in profits. This man has no shame and has no business being in business. He ought to be flogged and hung out to dry.