The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

Like John said, seven deaths ain’t shit these days. That makes this dingy landmark a hard sell. Example:
When I moved here 10 years ago I went on a mob-​themed tour of Chicago with a friend who swore up and down that it had «Four Stars» from all the reliable city guides (the idiot). This purported tour was run by a pair of Second City has-​beens who spoke in hammy Blues Brother accents yet inexplicably wore white styrofoam hats and off-​the-​rack Navy sport coats.
No kidding. White styrofoam hats — the kind that people wore at summer fairs in the towns that Norman Rockwell used to paint.
When the half-​assed tour guides took us to the site of the massacre, one of them put a Hank Williams CD in the bus stereo, played «I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry,» then asked everyone for a moment of silence.
Some old lady raised her hand, like we were in grade school:
«Why are you playing country music?» she asked.
The guide gave her a menacing glare until she slowly lowered her hand back to her lap and looked nervously out the window.
At the next light I got off the bus and took a cab home.

Barely a massacre by today’s standards. Seven guys. Your average rap producer has that many guys offed before breakfast.
In the 60s, Roger Corman produced and directed a movie based on the events starring Jason Robards, Jr. as Al Capone. Yes, that Roger Corman and that Jason Robards. An odd mix. Casting Robards as Capone is like casting me as Leonardo DiCaprio. He chews his cigar with almost as much gusto as he chews the scenery.
Chicago Pizza & Oven Grinders’ claim to fame is that it’s across the street from where the Massacre took place. That, and their doorknob sized mushrooms.

5 stars! We need more holiday massacres – preferably with a holiday theme as well.

A massacre is never a good time. People getting killed over something that it totally irrelevant today is just sad, but it’s a great piece of Chicago’s history.
I would love to see someone build an old fashioned speakeasy on the site. The empty lot just looks kinda lonely amongst all the cool buildings.

Am I reviewing the actual massacre, cuz that sucked. I’m no history expert but I know dudes got shot, and that’s never good, even if they were gangland thugs. I did see the special on this on the History channel, that was good, you would think there would be some overwhored tourist attraction for this spot. I imagine some animatronic gangsters going to town, maybe I’m nuts.