Catawba County I-40 Westbound Rest Area

Continued from previous review…
*“Rest” Rooms:
This building consists of a central lobby where one may find maps, brochures and other literature regarding travel and destinations in NC, and to either side of the lobby, rooms where one may go to relieve oneself when nature calls. That’s right — No need for Auntie Laverne to hike her skirt outside behind an oak tree. There are special rooms within this building where she can do it in privacy. As you enter the building in search of these restrooms, look to your left and right on the walls. One room will have a sign designating it for use exclusively by males and the other by females. Yes, folks, here in the South segregation is still alive and kicking. Being a male myself, I cannot remark on what lies within the women’s restroom. As one enters the men’s room, one may choose to enter either the doorway to the right or the one to the left. Each leads to a different restroom. Because I entered to the left on my first visit and was not eaten by a tiger, I have never taken my chances to the right. More daring motorists may choose differently.
Let me first offer advice to prevent any unwanted encounters: the «rest» room is NOT intended as a place for resting. There are no beds or other sleeping apparatus located therein.
Within the restroom, there are white ceramic basins affixed to the walls. To avoid disdainful glares from more experienced users, here’s a tip — the basins set beneath the rectangular reflecting glasses are available for the cleaning of hands and face. If you wish to urinate, then choose the larger, elongated basins (I am told these are even called «urinals»!). Approach a urinal (choose one that is not presently in use; other men react poorly when one attempts to share theirs), stand approximately 1 – 2′ from the urinal, facing it, and with your penis extended outside of your pants (this is a necessary step) release all liquid waste into the basin. Do not worry — unlike the dining room at that Chinese buffet in Richmond, it is perfectly acceptable to expose your genitals here when they need air.
Should you instead require a place for #2, there are cubicles with locking doors where one may find ceramic chairs with tanks filled with water. Simply enter a vacant (again, emphasis on vacant) stall, drop your pants, and then sit on the chair, or «toilet», until no further solid waste falls from your body into the water-​filled tank below. When you finish, there is a scroll of white tissue paper on the cubicle wall with which you may clean your soiled bottom. Place all used tissue in the toilet. You may notice while you sit on the toilet that the tank periodically fills with fresh water and is emptied of waste. Through the wonders of modern technology, this toilet features an optical sensor to detect when you are seated and when you finish. Unfortunately, the equipment is not quite ready for prime time. As a result, this flushing action may occur several times during the course of your seated tenure, splashing your backside with water, and yet fail to occur after you finish and stand. If this happens, there is a black button on the wall which you may press to manually override the flushing action when you’re done.
When you finish using either the urinal or toilet stall, advance to the smaller basins (known as «sinks»). Do NOT attempt to skip this step. Failure to comply is effectively admission of personal failure. Leaving the restroom without washing your hands and then, for example, patting your son’s head, is no different from smacking his head directly with your dirty junk.
Admire yourself in the reflective wall decoration, and ensure that no fecal matter has been transferred to your face. If there is any feces on your face, do not use it to paint your face like an Apache warrior and then engage other patrons to portray cowboys. Place your hands beneath the metal piece atop the sink, and water will automatically flow onto them. A dispenser on the wall contains a cleansing solution to use with the water. Do not put this in your eyes or attempt to consume it. It is not bubble gum. Work the cleanser into a lather with the water, and then rinse until your hands are no longer slick from the cleanser.
Approach the chrome box toward the entrance and place wet hands beneath it. Do not dry your hands using clothing or the tissue paper from the stalls. This metal box emits a powerful, heated wind that will dry your wet hands. The source of this divine wind is not presently known, but to avoid the potential ire of an evil sorcerer, I recommend not taunting the wind-​box.
You may now exit and either visit the vending area or continue along your trip. Don’t forget to collect the kids from Groundskeeper Leroy. If you’re on your way toward US-​321 and then south to I-​85, this will be the last rest area you encounter in NC. The next is the SC Welcome Center, roughly 70 miles away, immediately following Exit 104 after entering the lesser of two Carolinas.