Moriarty’s Pub

If you’re looking for the greasiest Irish dive bar in downtown Cleveland, then this is your place. It has been around since before the prohibition, at least according to the owner, Morgan– who is full of outrageous and hilarious stories from yesteryear, in between sexual jokes and Cleveland sports talk. You never really know what to expect here, anything from a classic 1 beer x 1 cigarette scenario, to random floods of downtown event goers howling ballads from the late 70’s in a drunken celebration of their co-​workers birthday.
However as my home away from home, most of my time here is spent sipping Coors Lights and ripping lukewarm fireball shots at happy hour while chain smoking on the comically small back patio that everyone seems to flock to. The same patio that has colorful Christmas lights strung haphazardly year-​round, from the shattered window next to the tub of cigarette butts that no one seems to use — instead flicking them to see who can get closest to the crack of the 8 story parking garage pinning you in less than 15 feet away.
This isn’t the place to find the best happy hour deals, to feel like you’re in the most comforting environment, or to meet potential opposite-​gender candidates to accompany you through the night, but Mort’s is a place to make memories. Take someone from out of town for a true Cleveland experience they will probably not forget. My memories here — from eating pizza off the back ally dumpster, to inadvertently exposing myself publicly whilst peeing in the unflushable toilet of the doorless men’s room bordering the legendary patio in 0 degree weather at 11:30PM on a weekday — I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Run by a cantankerous Irishman with the sort of gritty good cheer one imagines a denizen of the dark heart of Joyce’s Dublin exhibiting after a few rounds of Jameson and a grudge match with some serious inner demons, Mort’s (as it is affectionately known), is one of the diviest of Cleveland dives. The drinks are over-​priced and the men’s room is in shambles. The patio is coffin sized and gives onto a dirty alley and a sky high brick wall. And yet. And yet. This is where a certain magic happens. The cruel, electrifying magic your inner Bukowski craves. Take a look if you want something unpretentious and dark. Go running into the night if you are seeking anything resembling hip crafted cocktails or hair-​flipping gentrified refinement.

I love this bar. Its everything you want in a «townie» bar but without the local drunk groping girls as they come in the bar.
This place has the everything you want… funky bar smell, patina, fun people and cheap drinks. On a recent evening I had the pleasure to be served by a spunky ginger named Kelly. She was hilarious.
MY OPINION: Check out the bar you will love it. If you dont it will only set ya back a cupla bucks for a beer.

This place is a riot! You’re greeted as you walk in by a jolly man behind the bar, who proceeds to slide you down a beer and a bowl full of cheese puffs. What? … awesome.
BUT — the air flow is a little … dead. I imagine this place has smelled the same since 1972. Ya, just a little dirty. I always order my beers from a bottle.

In a downtown sprouting a suave new bar or restaurant seemingly daily, Moriarty’s is an oasis for those who just want a solid pint of Irish beer and some good conversation. The place has, shall we say, a certain patina on it that is earned only through seeing many generations of downtown workers pass through its doors. It’s dark, rustic, and definitely not fancy inside. It’s a bit Cheers-​like if you’re a regular, and if you’re not, you’ll feel like one soon. I met a friend there for a Friday happy hour, and we had several new friends by the time we left. Morgan (the owner) will charmingly announce «Dinner!» and drop a basket of pretzel rods and cheese balls in front of you to soak up the booze. Nice touch.
As others have noted, the restrooms are a tad challenging. If you’re female, prepare to climb stairs (and then not fall down them on the way out). Men, you will practically have to visit the alley out back to find yours. All of this is worth it to hang out with Morgan and his legion of friendly beer drinkers.

I went to this hole-​in-​the-​wall alley bar because of the name alone. It’s an old-​school Irish pub with just the basics. The bartender was a gruff guy who made fun of my laugh, but he was nice in the end. I think they take cash only, or maybe that was just while we were there. Their Guinness is decent, and poured perfectly. I wouldn’t eat here, but it’s an amusing little place if you like dives and locals.
They have a nice side business of selling thong underwear with «Moriarty’s» printed across the front, but they were pretty pricey at $ 14. If only they’d been less, I’d have bought some for my whole family. That’s the gift that keeps on giving. They also had lighters, with «Moriarty» spelled incorrectly. Oh well. The bartender gave me one, maybe because he felt bad for making fun of me. He was a Moriarty, after all.

I have seriously mixed feelings about this place.
First, the good: Mort’s is a total dive, so if that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll love this bar. The drinks are cheap and I believe the happy hour covers all beers. It’s a nice contrast to the bars across the street on East 4^th where the happy hour «deals» cover only the worst beers or offer a dollar off already overpriced drinks. Mort’s keeps a pretty good selection of beer on tap. It gets an older crowd, mostly business folks who don’t care so much for the flashiness of the other downtown bars.
Second, the not-​so-​good. Mort’s usually just has one person running the whole bar, so if it’s a busy night, you can expect them to run out of clean glasses. This is the only place where I’ve been served beer in a hard-​plastic soda cup. The owner/​bartender is loud and opinionated. Fox News is the default station for the two tvs. The men’s room is literally outside in the alley behind the building. In the winter you can expect to freeze while relieving yourself.
The bottom line is that this is a place I’d go for happy-​hour with co-​workers. It’s not a place where I would take a date or invite out-​of-​town friends. It’s worth a try if you’ve never been.

one might think you have, indeed, walked into the secret lair of the evil genius himself when you come in off the street to the diminutive interior of moriarty’s. and, on most fridays when i would go for a drink or 12 after work around the corner, you may have been correct. let me show you around. please beware of the evil traps and beverages designed to drunken you.
dominated by the moderately sized dark wood bar and with just a few tables solidly held down by locals and regulars, the ambiance is as dark as heart of the sinister professor himself.
the beer selection is elementary for a solid little irish bar with plenty of guinness, harp, bass and others being served with a sly smile and without mention of the check until you ask for it. no tabs, no «may i have a credit card, please.» no deductive reasoning for me, though — my tab is usually more about multiplication (so, if i had 5 half-​and-​halfs and each one is $ 5, how much money do i need for bail on the dui charge driving home? no. no. that’s not right. .. .)
what evil lair would be complete without a few diabolical traps for the foolishly unwary or drunk? in the interests of avoiding liability, however, my attorney has advised to warn you just the same. first: the bathrooms are upstairs. head the whole 30 feet or so to the back of the bar and you’ll find the stairs by the coat rack. second: the stairs pretty much end at the bathroom door — an insidious, demoniacal trap for you on the way out if you are imprudent enough to still be pulling/​zipping up. i’m sure more than one patron has gone ass over tea-​kettle back down the stairs. third: what all evil geniuses truly fear — the sunlight. in the summertime, cleveland, which is situated near the western edge of the eastern time zone, can stay sunny until almost 9:00 p.m. when you hunker down in moriarty’s like i have, that sunlight will blind you when you emerge, having successfully avoided the first two traps, allowing evildoers to finish you off.
you’ve been warned.
muahahahahahahaha. muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.