The bar formerly known as H2O is now H2“Ohhh my god its a horrible horrible trainwreck!!!” Before I get into why let me begin with the staff was really nice. From the bouncer, to the door girl, to the bartender I interacted with, everyone was super nice and gave good service. The problem besides that is… everything else. First the name: «Illusions»? Really«Illusions»? Sounds like a family place for magic and fun. It also sounds like a strip club which is how the female staff dress and are apparently supposed to act. Which leads me to my next point; why are the female staff in Tilted Kilt outfits?(Yes they are exact ripoffs from the Tilted Kilt franchise, look it up.) Illusions needs to stop ripping them off because The Tilted Kilt does it better, their outfits look better, and their girls don’t have muffin tops or fat wings hanging out of their skimpy Scottish schoolgirl outfits. Plus they have something called a uniform code so all of the girls are dressed alike instead of some in boots and some in sneakers, some with lots of visible bad tattoos, and others old enough to be the other waitresses’ mother. Look I understand that here in the poly fat saturated South that a healthy looking cocktail waitress is hard to come by, but if you are going to go with a skimpy waitress theme then by god you better have waitresses that look good skimpy! Plus if 2 or more of your staff has enough time to dance on the dance floor then lots of people are either not getting drinks or it is very obvious business sucks and they have lots of time on their hands. Next, what was up with two women dressed very nicely, randomly pole dancing on the bar then on the«always unavailable» 2nd floor stripper pole over the bar? Were they Go-Go dancers? Off duty waitresses helping out? Strippers? WTF mate?!? If they were hired dancers, how about they at least stand out from the crowd like real Go-Go dancers do, and how about they pull a full shift instead of a song here and there? And what was up with one of them changing into a t-shirt, denim shorts, and flipflops and coming back into the club to dance and drink? Oh speaking of that maybe you shouldn’t sell the exact same shirt your staff works in, at the door. I couldn’t tell who was working and who wasn’t because it seemed that everyone in a classy«Illusions» polo was drinking or hitting on the fatback waitresses. Wait sorry, there was one waitress who was very attractive. She had blonde highlights, a great smile, was young, and a good body. Man I am so jumping around. Okay ambiance: The décor is a mismash of bad 80’s mirrors, neon, and black walls. The dance floor is smack dab in the middle of the entire first floor and well lit. So every single male in the club felt 100% uncomfortable to go out and get down. Oh yeah amazing light and sound system. Too bad the DJ was playing MP3s off a laptop that would quit out on him several times throughout the night.(Try actually mixing for once like you’re paid to do.) The DJ also repeatedly played thug rap off and on which not only cleared the dancefloor but made some people leave. Quick tip amigo, thug rap is not«dance» music, nor would it be my first choice to play if most of my crowd was 30 – 50 yr old white people. It can be great in a thug club but that’s not what Illusions is… Illusions, if it survives will be a Cougar den. The DJ booth itself looks like the drink station at a mexican restaurant and is completely out of place compared to the rest of the shitty club design. Then there’s the 2nd floor. Beckoning us all to go and sit up on it to watch the dancing below… except for the fact that it was closed all night except for the occasional girl who got to go up and use the stripper pole above the bar. By the way bouncers… it is your job to make sure the largest woman in the club does not ever… ever ever ever get on a stripper pole, Go-Go box, or any other apparatus that brings attention to her and her dancing. If I walked into a club and the first thing I saw was an extremely obese woman grinding a stripper pole, I would immediately turn to the friend who brought me there and punch him in the nuts. One more thing: If the elderly owner wants to invite his friends to the club to hangout and enjoy themselves then maybe they should sit in the corner or the fabled 2nd story. A bunch of old people who look like they just showed up on vacation from Nebraska is ridiculous looking in a nightclub and is one of the least sexy things to have in your club next to a large woman pole dancing. Old people don’t power drink or do shots nor do they stay for long at your club. So why would you chase the young crowd that does do all of this away by planting their grandparents right next to the bar and dancefloor? The cover was $ 5.00 and drinks weren’t horribly priced so the cost value is okay. «Illusions» needs an illusion to cover one of the worst clubs I have ever gone too.
