Übermønster

I use the ‘Do Not Disturb’ feature on my iPhone because my friends have no concept of time and otherwise would buzz and beep all night. The feature deactivates when someone attempts to call multiple times, so when it rang at 2:30am Halloween weekend, I knew it was serious. A friend of mine who I knew was at Fantasy Fest asked me, «Come get me I need an ER.» He’d just been bludgeoned and robbed. The only problem was I was 4 hours away in Coral Gables and he was too drunk to accurately give me his location. I stayed up frantically calling friends/​family/​EMS in order to get him some assistance. A few bonded teeth, couple of stitches, and opiate enhanced painkillers later, he was brand new.
Later that day I was planning to go to ‘Calle Orange’ Latin festival in Orlando but was restless after that scare. I called my buddy who was coming with and was also involved with the Fantasy Fest Fiasco while he was busy staring at his ceiling trying to fall back asleep. We decided to leave early. Though I felt fine I didn’t know how long it would last. As we’re gathering fuel and supplies, I noticed a solitary bottle glowing with a green hue like a convenience store holy grail. It was Mønster’s newest offering to the crowded energy drink market… Übermønster and this is our story –
Price — $ 5 that’s 3x as much as the original formula. According to the label, Mønster Energy Co. claims they use special microbes that ferment barley-​malt and a proprietary German brewing technology that drives up the cost of the product.
Allergen Warning — contains milk?! If it tasted anything like milk that wouldn’t bother me, but instead it tastes like someone dissolved a bottle of Flintstone’s vitamins into a quart of Mountain Dew.
Pandora’s Box — whoever sealed this container had magical powers and didn’t want its contents to escape. You need to down a can of the regular version and use a crowbar just to open the Übermønster. Don’t even try using a plastic bottle opener; mine broke followed by an attempt with a metal one that bent. The cap is closed as tightly as Catarina Migliorini legs before she cashes her $ 780,000 check —
Open container — when a company designs packaging to look like a cross between a Heineken and a Miller-​Lite wide mouth bottle, they should expect that some of their customers are going to get pulled over for ‘open-​container violations’. It doesn’t help that even though it’s alcohol-​free it proudly boasts ENERGY-​BREW on the label in big, bold letters and non-​alcoholic in tiny subscript.
I chugged all 500ml while I was watching the numbers climb on the gas pump then immediately started the drive from North Miami Beach to Downtown Orlando. My friend immediately passed out but would occasionally pop up to say things like –
«Dood you’re sweating buckets.» I guess it has some thermogenic properties like those supplements designed to give your workout a boost. While my driving buddy was zipping up his fleece, my back and legs were stuck to the seat with sweat and my feet were moist.
«That stuff is making you jittery.» It starts working in 5 minutes flat and instead of shocking your body with a bolt of energy it gradually builds in intensity. That must be what they mean by ‘bio-​activated”. Additionally you’ll feel a tingling sensation in your fingers, toes and I ain’t gonna lie… booty.
«We’re not going half on the reckless driving ticket.» It didn’t feel like we we’re going 120 mph but odometers don’t lie. Perhaps that’s why we got to our destination in 2 hours and 47 minutes, a personal best. No sleep ’till O-​town!
Unilocal should create a new category for the Üb.
Entertainment — Recreational Drugs
Because I can only think of a few people who NEED to feel like I did and they wear Olympic medals or chase terrorists through the mountains of the Hindu Kush. Yes I shaved an hour off our travel time but how many years did I shave off my life? My heart is probably covered in scar tissue, but that’s a small price to pay to trick your body into feeling like it’s in freefall.