Vitran

A latex bed was to be delivered by Vitran. I could have paid $ 250 for «white glove» delivery & complete set-​up of the bed in my house, but c’mon. How difficult is it to set-​up a bed?
(continued story from PlushBeds review, with relevant quotes from the movie «Pink Panther» (
), followed by my commentary prefixed with «—».
Ponton: «He was just found dead in a training facility locker room. Shot in the head.»
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: «Was it fatal?»
Ponton: «Yes.»
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: «How fatal?»
Ponton: «Um, completely.»
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: «I want to talk to him now!»
— I picked a delivery time, and asked for an hour’s confirmation notice prior to delivery so I could leave work. They agreed. They did not call ahead, and the time was approaching. I called and wanted to talk to someone, but only got voicemail. So, I left a bit early from work and found the delivery truck at my house when I got home! Strike one against Vitran.
Quinlan: «You’ll need help.»
Clouseau: «I prefer to do this alone.»
Quinlan: «Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him.»
Clouseau: «No, of course it won’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.»
— There was one small-​set Vitran guy with a cheap small dolly and a giant heavy box in the truck. He wasn’t sure if he could get it out! I asked why he didn’t have a helper, and his answer was the company expects him to do it. Then, he said he could not take it into the house; only to porch or garage. (my angry words omitted here) «How am I supposed to get that into my back bedroom??», I fumed.—
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: «The good-​cop/​bad-​cop routine is working perfectly.»
Ponton: «You know, usually two different cops do that.»
— So, I got on the phone and called Vitran, who said sorry, that was their deal with Plushbeds, and «didn’t they explain?».
«No», I said to the good cop.
So, I called the «bad cop» (PlushBeds), to no satisfaction. They wanted $ 250 («White glove service») to take it into the house, and to do that, I would have to refuse the Vitran delivery and have it re-​delivered the next week by a different shipper.—
Clouseau: «And you are?»
Ponton: «Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I’ve been assigned to work with you.»
Clouseau: «And what qualifications do you have for police work?»
Ponton: «My family’s done police work in Paris for nine generations.»
Clouseau: «And before that?»
Ponton: «We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.»
Clouseau: «And before that?»
Ponton: «Immigrants from various countries in Europe all involving police work.»
Clouseau: «And before that?»
Ponton: «Farmers.»
Clouseau: «Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.»
—Without knowing what I was getting into, I decided to buck-​up and take on the challenge. Vitran guy would deliver to the door, and I would haul it to the bedroom, somehow, hopefully with a neighbor’s help. Neighbors are not home from work and the Vitran guy only has 15 minutes left. So, I give him my good dolly and he unloads the giant king-​size box to the porch, perched on the step for me. He advises me to keep it in the box, if I can, because latex is very flexible. The nice Vitran man then leaves.—
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after falling through the ceiling, to the desk clerk] «We need fresh towels in 204.»
—I pulled the over 200 lbs heavy box into the house. But, I had to remove the box to wriggle the mattress through a tight zig-​zag to get the mattress into the hall. The mattress did not keep upright, and slumped over, taking up the entryway. Have you ever tried standing cooked limp spaghetti on its end?
I call for help but the neighbors won’t be home until later, so I continue, because the old bed is disassembled to make way for this one.—
Female Reporter: «How long do you think it will take to find the killer?»
Clouseau: «Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction, forensic science and the latest in technology such as two-​way radios and e-​mail.»
—I have to go primitive. Muscles fueled by rage, I pull, twist and drag the mattress a few inches at a time, and it looks like this will take a long time, especially without a device to keep the mattress upright. Finally, I get the mattress in the bedroom and wrestle it on top of the frame, which is about as high as the Empire State Building.—
Yuri: «You are finding something amusing here?»
Inspector Clouseau: «I’ll be honest with you. I find your accent quite funny. Where are you fvam?»
—Communication of the no-​frills delivery service by both companies, Plushbeds and Vitran, was a big problem.—
Agent 006: «Boswell. Nigel Boswell. 006. You know what that means?»
Inspector Clouseau: «Of course! It means you are one away from the big time.»
—This is a Mid-​level company.