Babies R Us

Buy low, sell high. Don’t eat yellow snow. Never get involved in a land war in Asia. These are all good pieces of advice to follow. I now have another. Don’t send a guy to buy gifts for a baby shower. Or at least, don’t send a guy to Babies-​R-​Us. The thought of it is cute – almost sitcomy with its fish-​out-​of-​water premise. The execution, though, is mind-​addling. To wit:
First, does this store REALLY need to be this big? I guess it’s good to have this sort of selection, but this presupposes you UNDERSTAND the selection, which I didn’t. What’s the difference between a bassinet and a crib? No, this isn’t a riddle, it’s an actual question. I’m a dumb guy; I don’t know these things. Wait, swaddling blankets? Receiving blankets? Kids need different kinds of BLANKETS? What’s wrong with just wrapping them up in an old sweatshirt? (A question that is, apparently, inappropriate to ask at a baby shower.) Sleepsack? This looks like a cross between a sleeping bag and a snuggie which, come to think of it, might be a good idea in adult sizes. At least if I had one while camping, I might stand a fighting chance against those bears. So since I can’t actually rate this store based on its mindboggling contents, I’ll just rate this store as a, well, store.
The registry kind of sucks. By this, I mean the query function doesn’t search their database all that well. I eventually found what I was looking for, but it required some massaging of my search strings AND it didn’t seem to recognize maiden names even though that’s an option.
Second, the employees, though visible, have an uncanny ability to not be around when you need them. I eventually tracked one down and he was helpful, but it required me hunting the guy down. This was seconded by my friends at the baby shower I attended who said, «C’mon! A couple of gay guys walking around OBVIOUSLY clueless and we couldn’t find anyone to help!» Gay or straight, dudes have no place in this store. At least the employees seemed like they were happy to be there, which considering the amount of crying they must hear (both from the babies and the frightened new parents) I’ve got to give them credit.
Finally, everyone – customers AND employees – moved unnervingly SLOW. It’s like shopping in a lion’s cage where no one wanted to make any quick, sudden movements. Having had pregnant friends, I recognized the baby haze everyone was functioning in. People were moving slow and leisurely and all baby-​happy and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! You people and your crotch fruit are KILLING me! I just need to buy this blankie and get home!
Looks like someone needs a nap.
So it sounds like I had a horrible time and, really, it kind of was. So why the three stars? Well, the sales were nice. Saved some dough. Second, I can see how the selection, though daunting, could be helpful to a new parent (despite the fact that I believe it’s all just feeding into the baby-​industrial complex.) Third, the complimentary gift wrapping is good, even though when I wrap my gifts it always looks like Stephen Hawking did it. So 2.5 stars, rounded up to 3. And please, let the next babies I shop for be baby back ribs.
P. S. Curiously, Unilocal doesn’t allow me to tell you if this place is good for kids.