My Couch

Some people think that when you take furniture from a friend it’s really free. This is just not the case. This is the type of hallucinogenic induced notion is better reserved for lofty ideas like world peace, an end to racism and a resolution to the conflict in the middle east.
I recently was given a chocolate micro-​suede sectional from my friend Danielle S. It’s perfectly nice, except for the fact that the modernly inspired, overly priced minimalistic piece is the color of dog poop. No, that’s really not that bad. What’s worse is that her ex-​husband is the one who picked it out. And, so it goes that every time she looks at this she’s reminded of him. which any divorced woman knows is extremely unpleasant.
Solution– get rid of the damn thing! And, so it goes that I was the lucky recipient of this poop colored, modernly inspired, overly priced minimalistic couch.
But, it’s not like I could just move it into my apartment. Truthfully, I’ve never had to work so hard in my life to be the recipient of this poop colored sectional.
Task 1– Removing all of the cushion covers, which were soiled with cat hair, kitty puke and who knows what else (which we thought were removable), including cutting off all of the buttons, of which there were 48, taking them to laundry mat and washing the poop out of them. Cost: $ 20
Task 2– Vacuuming up all of the cat litter and cat hair that had been squished and crushed between the seams and piping of the damn thing (the couch used to reside in the same room as the 2 cats and the kitty litter box– u do the math!)
Task 3– Manually removing all of the excess cat hair with large pieces of tape and those hair removal roller thingies.
Task 4– Have movers drop off couch at my place, remove my old couch. Cost: $ 50
Task 5– Wash all 48 buttons by hand, to ensure that all remnants of the kitty puke is completely erased and drop off said buttons, cushions and cushion covers at furniture repair shop and have them sewn back on. Cost: $ 175
Task 6: Have carpet cleaning crew come over and clean the couch from front to back and side to side to remove any lingering smell of cat litter. Cost: $ 125.
A week goes by. During this time I slept on the couch with no cushions on it and it was perfectly comfortable so, I didn’t really rush to go pick up the cushions.
Task 7: Go pick up completed cushions, only to find out we’re one button short. Ugghhh.
We found it the next day, though. And, now I have a new couch that is slammin’ My favorite spot is right in front of the T.V. on the chaise lounge. Heaven… The only thing I don’t like is that I seem to lose things between the crevice between the two pieces of the sectional. Hmmm. maybe that’s where my black pashmina is.

Note: There is now a space in between the pillows that support me due to the fact that they have begun to flatten from compression. This could be inconvenient for some, but I have found now this three inch space is the ultimate storage area. My remote control, ipod, and alarm clock fit perfectly in the crevice, side by side, in close proximity for my lazy self and they are within arms reach at my beck and call. Just perfect, it’s like a universal remote, my couch, it does everything.