2nd NY SILENT DATE AUCTION for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society

In the spirit of friendly competition with Joey H, I too shall offer the option of playing instruments and singing and cutting a «cd» on our date if you so wish.
There are however a few differences.
— You will have the option of either playing drums, guitar or singing (or both at the same time if you’re talented).
— We will only have the option to do cover songs
— By cutting a raw «cd» I mean a shoddy mp3 recording off my cell phone’s voice notes feature
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.
.
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oh and did I mention, by in a studio I mean playing Rock Band in my living room.

BID ON THIS, bitches…
i better hit the bank of $ 500 for this…
Joolie ‘mzjoolz’ T.‘s New York Silent Date Auction Commercial:
or
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NWS. well, you’ll see. ^_​~
ENJOY! *wink

I’m far too arrogant NOT to give myself 5 stars, even though I come so late to the show. Sorry, folks — a giantess apparently fractured my toe while stepping on me in a bar (srlsy), amongst other distractions. But I’m back, and determined to raise money (and barter myself like a proper whore) for charity. I’ve heard of and briefly witnessed a few date auctions, but I’ve never been in one; I hope to make it worth my while.
I’m about 85% straight, but that other 15% can be swayed by the right sort of women (especially exotic, darker, curvy types). Though I prefer men, I promise to provide good company to whatever Unilocaler wins me. I’m an open minded girl, and I can honestly say I’ve never had a truly terrible date, so perhaps I am lucky as well.
Why should you bid on me? Well, for one, despite my faults, I doubt I will bore you; even if you find me obnoxious, it should be in an entertaining manner. I’m the dutiful sort, and for money and a cause, I will be on extra good behaviour, which can be quite charming, I’m told. A brief list of my best virtues:
1. My looks. I say this because appearance matters above all in a woman, and this is a simple fact. It doesn’t mean other things DON’T matter, but society judges women first visually. I don’t claim to be modelesque or worthy of launching a thousand ships, but I think my pictures do me decent justice, and I have a lot of them. I’m not too horribly vain, I promise.
2. I am very easily amused. That means I will likely find you amusing, unless you are truly dreadfully devoid of all humour, and laughing feels good for everyone. I don’t claim to be funny, but I think I do amuse some people. Perhaps I offend the rest, but at least I try.
3. I can play the virgin or the whore, depending on what suits the person and the occasion. I trust this needs no further explanation, but neither is it a guarantee.
4. I’ve been called crazy, but also spontaneous and creative. Very little shocks me, and I’m always eager to explore virtually everything. I adapt well to most situations, and enjoy creating new ones.
5. I am not your traditional girl, though ironically, I do love much tradition and ritual. I am equal parts scientific, technical, and verbal, with dashes of artistic and spiritual thrown in. While I’m visually fairly conservative and definitely feminine, my personality (and the bulk of my interests) is more masculine in terms of standard gender stereotypes. I.e., I’m strong-​willed, decisive, opinionated, aggressive, can be ‘one of the guys’, etc. But only to a point; I have my hidden feminine spots.
I’m reasonably knowledgeable about a variety of topics, and have an even greater range of interests. I also like nearly every activity, with the possible exception of watching baseball or football (American), but even then, I think I can get into the spirit of things. I LOVE to walk around the city for hours on end, obviously I love eating and drinking at new places — and I like every type of cuisine and adore sharing food and ordering many things to try. I like bars and clubs and can dance until a place shuts down, and I appreciate both finer cultural events (the opera, the symphony, ballet, museums) and more modern ones (live rock/​pop/​indie/​jazz, movies, festivals).
That’s not to say we have to go out. I also pride myself on my culinary skills and my growing (30+) wine collection, and would gladly cook a meal made up of whatever dishes my date desired, paired with an appropriate wine (s). Electronics excite me, and I have a good media set-​up in my studio as result; movies/​tv and an intimate meal can make a wonderful evening. I have several board games and cards, and a few bottles of other liquor, and drinking and gaming can be great fun, too. Basically, your wish is my shift-​command, and I expect to enjoy myself and please you regardless of what we choose to do on our date.

************** Friday, June 27, 2008 **************
PLEASE, make your donation through my fundraising page:
Thank you for your supporting and love! =)
*******************************************************
TOTAL: $ 5,300.00
Ladies Gentlemen
— — — – — — — — — —
Audrey J — 85 — Karen G Andy T — 100 — Lo-​an
bO W — 105 — Dana G Alex I — 190 — Maria M
Damaris P — 50 — JT Arthur O — 50 — Peter K
Danielle H — 110 — Pat B Akshay A — 60 — Lauren S
Gina C — 105 — Peter K Brian N — 75 — Nina C
Irene F — 50 — Peter K Daniel L — 25 — Karen G
Jax W — 55 — Peter K Danny D — 25 — Nina C
JoJo C — 110 — Brian N David C — 25 — David C
Joolie T — 430 — Kiromi K David S — 60 — bO W
Julia N — 380 — Shreekant V Denis K — 50 — Peter K
Julia S J — 120 — Joey H Jack N — 25 — Nina C
Karen G — 170 — Stef W Joey H — 65 — Joey H
Lauren S — 75 — Ting S Justin R — 125 — Norah K
Lynn F — 315 — Matt E Khalib B — 55 — JT
Maria M — 150 — Edward J Matt W — 95 — Nina C
Melanie R — 175 — Peter K Michael F — 80 — Maria M
Nina C — 200 — Tajira Miguel D — 40 — JT
PJ G — 50 — JT Norm G — 50 — Irene F
Sienna K — 150 — James F Rob L — 70 — bO W
Stef W — 200 — Saurabh G Roderick A — 80 — Joolie T
Ting S — 150 — Steve M Tim L — 30 — Joey H
*Tori K — 380 — Edward J Yosh H — 50 — bO W
Joolie T + Julie K + Maria M — 260 — JT
*I realized that adding Tori K. to the Auction Block last minute was unfair to the rules.
Everyone played by the rules and I appreciate the hard work and dedicated promotions you all have participated in.
So, I will consider the request as a donation, since Tori K. has generously accepted the date as well.
*************** NEW AUCTION RULES ***************
In order to keep things organized– I have enforced a few new rules.
1) Keep the PM’s SIMPLE!
Only write in the subject line. No need to write an elaborate message.
Subject line should be: Auction Bid– Auction Block’s Name– $Bid Amount
2) If you want to bid on multiple people, please send ONE PM per bid.
This means, if you want to bid on x amount of individuals,
then you should send the same x amount of PM’s.
Example: Auction Bid– XXXX– $X
Auction Bid– XXXX– $X
3) To check ONLY the outstanding/​current bids on the hour from 10am-​5pm,
please refer to this link (my review):
I understand that the threads get very long and difficult to load for some.
You can simply keep checking my review and/​or talk thread link
through out the whole auction.
4) I will be updating the totals every hour — on the DOT
(10am, 11am, 12 pm, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm and 5pm sharp.)
I will be updating on: my Review and the Auction Thread of that day
(ie. Tuesday, June 24)

Review:
5) After 5 pm, The Auction Block is CLOSED.
I will not be taking any more requests and/​or replying to your PM
otherwise, please follow the PREVIOUS RULES for your bidding!
Talk Thread:

well in the interest of brevity and modesty (and general speechlessness in how to shamelessly promote myself), allow me to bypass any superficial imagery of toplessness and pretenses of getting laid.
So a couple TINGs about me:
1. I’m spontaneous and am always up for trying someTING new. Some TINGs on my nyc to-​do list include:
— motorcycle lessons
— trapeze lessons
— go-​carTING at this brand new track just north of the city
— checking out the Cloisters
— going to Coney Island
— feasTING over an omakase-​style meal
— checking out a mets/​phillies game (do they even play each other?)
— whetTING my palate with a sherry shot at Angel’s Share just to see how it’s poured.
2. i like prime numbers.
3. i’m a realist with a cutTING sense of dry humor, but rarely sarcastic. definitely not for the easily offended, or faint of personality.
4. i can drive a stick shift with a sports clutch. fast.
5. i enjoy indulging my obsession with music, especially lusTING after quality live music in setTINGs with excellent drinks.
6. i’m a workaholic. i enjoy jetTING between my full-​time teaching job as a special education teacher, and my part-​time gig making tactile graphics for the blind. be assured that i do, and will, make time for a social outing.
7. i’m a phillies fan but only when they’re doing well. no worries, though — even though i’m from philly, i’m a pacifist at heart and won’t get violent if you happen to support an opposing team.
So that’s it for now. Thanks to Julie for putTING together such an incredible fundraiser. Whether you bid on me or not, thanks for reading!
(TINGtingTINGtingTING!)
time’s up.

** I do this only in good fun and because cancer /​blood disorders are horrible, the cause is just, and Julie is my friend, so bid high and bid often =) **
The scene: A well dressed, moneyed crowd sits in a cozy and elegantly crafted hall, murmuring amongst themselves. A wooden chair creaks as the occupant shifts their weight in anticipation. A seemingly indeterminable amount of time passes, but finally the deep red drapes pull back revealing an empty stage, empty save for an auctioneer’s podium.
Footsteps.
*click clack click clack*
A smartly attired man, tall with piercing eyes, walks on stage, turns crisply at the podium, steps up, and surveys the audience.
«Welcome Ladies and Gents to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Date Auction 2008.»
«Our first piece of meat, I mean, auction block is Denis K.»
‘Hi’ *waves*
«This dapper young fellow hails from land of fresh salmon, steamy coffee, and crunchy apples. Yup, Washington –the state not the city. So, don’t hold the fact he lives in New Jersey against him»
‘Hey. there are good parts of jersey too.’
«As many bidders do not know our auction block here, he’s 5’10″ 150 lbs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and a full set of pearly whites plus 3 wisdom teeth and likes to laugh at his own jokes, often. If you’re lucky, perhaps our block will regale you with the story of how he thought he broke a wisdom tooth whilst munching on cheez-​it crackers and scrambled to the dentist who pulled it out.»
‘er. that’s pretty much the entire story’
«Of course a picture is worth a thousand words. Our auction block looks exactly like his picture. for better or for worse»
‘Ok Mr. Auctioneer, I can do without the backhanded compliments.’
«What will an auction date with Denis K be like you ask? Well, that’s bidder’s choice of course! Although, we do know he’ll do anything for his date. anything. «
‘Stop elbowing me. and why are you winking?! I never said *anything*! What’s going on here??’
«Perhaps a night on the town is more your style? A few drinks and a jazz concert? A walk through the MET? Or, a nice dinner for two at L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon? Can we start the bidding at $ 500? Any takers?»
‘Seems a bit high to start.’
«No one? Is a deep conversation what you’re looking for? To compare the places you’ve been and the things you’ve seen? Or explosively about politics and religion? $ 400 going once!»
‘Politics and religion? That doesn’t seem like a good idea. ‘
«Tough crowd. How about an adventure out on to the Jersey shore? or Have you been eying a special little restaurant reachable only by car? Wonder no more! Your date will take you there! Bids at $ 300!»
‘Woohoo! I’m always up to try something new’
«Everyone knows this is for charity right? Ah, I see. You’ve had your eye on someone and would like to make them jealous. Your auction date can also be your arm candy for the night. Paddles up for $ 200!»
‘That works too. I’ll dress it up for you’
«Do you fear having is not as pleasing as wanting? No, that’s not it? I see. Perchance, you would like a more casual night. A movie, take out, and a board game? Scrabble? New bidding at $ 100»
‘I promise to go easy ;-)’
«That’s not it either huh? Then just drinking! Bar hop, binge and your date will make sure you get home safely. $ 25!!»
‘I don’t get a hangover, so I can play all night!’
«So Denis K. do you have anything else to add?»
‘um… me F.U.C. you long time?’
«There you have it folks! Do I hear $ 500?!»

Hello, my name is Minho Ohm (contrary to the popular belief that my name is Arthur O.) and I am from the southeastern region of North Korea where I grew up on a rice paddy.
For those of you with allergic reactions to my usually verbose reviews, I have created a very special Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Sponsored Julie K. Prostitution Ring: Timeline of Minho/​Arthur O. at the end of this lengthy outpouring. I will not be offended if you skipped right to it, as long as you put a bid on me.
I defected with my older sister on a raft off the coast of Haejin in the winter of 1988 at the age of 10, amid the lingering confusion and chaos of the ’88 Olympics in Seoul, South Korea — did the officials favor the Koreans or not? Is there really a tiger that can do a ribbon dance? Et c. We wanted to run away from all the back-​breaking labor on the paddies and the most adamant farmer’s tan that resulted from it.
After drifting southward for upwards of 88.4 days without food (except for the copious amount of seafood we acquired in the Yellow Sea — best Yellowtail sashimi ever), water (except for our own urine — nod to Blackadder for that sparkling idea), and shelter (except for the long black threads of our hair), we were rescued by a Yellow Sea Dancing Cruise and safely deposited at the port of Inchon, South Korea.
Initially, my sister and I were treated like royalties by the South Korean government; even as heroes of sorts — there was a moment when I thought I could hear other people’s thoughts like Matt Parkman or even Michael Ironside from Cronenberg’s Scanners, but it just turned out to be the usual crazy thoughts in my head (only that it was now speaking South Korean as opposed to North Korean) — by most South Korean citizens (some folks were highly offended by my unusually enormous head that appeared even larger on their radial dial tube television sets). But our popularity waned as rumors spread that we were North Korean spies — lies spun by North Korean spies in South Korea — and my sister and I had to get drastic re-​constructive facial and body surgeries not unlike the scientific procedure seen in John Woo’s Face/​Off.
When Julie K. — she was one of the many South Koreans that came to Inchon ports to greet our arrival back in ’88, and we’ve stayed in contact ever since via homing pigeons — contacted me about her Leukemia & Lymphoma Society sponsored prostitution ring, I felt obliged to help out. How great is it to sell your mind, body, and soul for a few hours in order to fund cures for blood cancer? It’s a win (vs cancer)-win (you)-win (me)!
Please do not be shy and bid away. Privately Message Julie K. on
with the subject line, «Auction Bid — Arthur O. — [bidding amount].»
I realize that I am a narcoleptic and I may spontaneously fall asleep on you, but that’s okay. I won’t mind waking up to your pretty/​handsome face — you may have to recap the last 45 minutes or so, since my short-​term memory may slip — as long as you don’t draw on my face or inner-​side of my triceps while I’m out.
For your reference and consideration, I have complied a special Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Minho/​Arthur O. Flickrset:
so that you have a good idea of what type of an item you are bidding on. I believe in full disclosure and honesty.
Thank you for taking the time in your busy Friday workday afternoon to read a bit of my autobiography. Happy bidding, please.
—
Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Sponsored Julie K. Prostitution Ring: Timeline of Minho/​Arthur O.
1978 1988 1998 2008
—| — — — — — — — — | — — — — — — — –| — — — — — — — — |
Born ’88 Olympics Face/​Off Surgery NOW
Rice Paddy Work NK Defection Farmer’s Tan Cure
Note about the Unilocal Rating: 5-​stars for those who like these sort of items, 4-​stars for those with open-​minds and generally happy disposition but not really into these sort of items, probably just 3-​stars for those that don’t really care for it, with «these sorts of items» being poor North Korean defectors. No, I wouldn’t call it a «specialty» item, since I do not appreciate being objectified.

Marker!
PSA for NY Silent Date Auction– Take 1:
Lights.
Camera.
Speed!
We’re Rolling…
Annnnnnnnnnnd action, George.
Hello, I’m George Clooney. And I’m here today to talk about my good friend, Roderick. You know how people consider themselves their own worst critic? I know Roderick criticizes himself all the time, and he’s going to hate me for saying this. But today, I’m here to say that I give him five sexy stars!
Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush. This Silent Date Auction may be all fun and games. And if you bid on my best friend Roderick, believe me he is all fun and games — in bed. Ha-​ha, I kid. But seriously, we are here to make a difference. And by bidding on him, and the rest of the other people, you will be helping the many people who have leukemia and also help with leukemia research. But don’t take my word for it, read what Roderick’s friends have to say about him:
Audrey J: i like that part too
Joolie T: it’s yummier than the cheese fries, yo.
Stephy S: i am still dreaming about that steak!
Michael F: Is that what happened last time?
Ahu S: Who else is as smooth as you?!
Kaelea A: But I’m stuck here, getting misty over you. I’m alone, on a
bicycle for ONE.
Allison W: don’t tell me to shut up my little sexy boy
whoa, that Allison really seems to like Roderick. But I digress…
With those kind words from, pretty much, the Elite of Unilocal,why not «take a chance» on Roderick?
On behalf of Roderick and the rest of the 2008 Silent Date Auctionees, I’m George Clooney. Happy Bidding!

*UPDATE* — considering it is the last day of the auction, I am upping the ante! Over $ 50 and I will match the donation!
Well, honestly, how could you possibly resist? Here is your once in a lifetime opportunity to go on a date with one of Unilocal’s most prolific and elusive hotshots. We’re talking Elite three years and counting, baby. We’re talking Time Out New York article material. I’ve got Nish and Sam P on speed dial, and I’m not afraid to text them drunkenly in the middle of the night. I’ve Unilocaled coast to coast, and I am still going strong. Hidden away in Houston recently, I will return to NYC for one, and only one, lucky person who also has a good heart for such a wonderful cause. However, I am available on the weekends in any major city in the U.S. of A, so really, this is a national opportunity. How often does that happen? Boston, Hotlanta, Chi-​town, H-​town, Frisco, you all pay attention now, because this offer is for one week only!
New Yorkers, you in particular have a fantastic opportunity here. I have been quite the recluse for the past 6 months, so this is truly your opportunity of a lifetime. Bring me out of hiding! Bring me back to NYC!
In case you still have some doubts:
— I am serious about the any large city part, as long as you have an airport at a reasonable distance from you, I can and will show up!
— I’ve got an MA and a subscription to The Economist, so if scintillating conversation is your bag, well, I can hold up my end.
— I have a fantastic rack. Many a Unilocaler can vouch for this. Always a nice touch. The rest of me ain’t too hard on the eyes either.
— I am open as far as date planning is concerned: you give me a time frame and I will make awesomeness happen (up to a full weekend here, you’ll get your money’s worth, no joke), or you tell me what you want to do, and we’ll go do it!
— I am a nice Jewish girl, so you can always tell your parents about me later.
— I will feature you prominently in the reviews that result from our date. I will also act as a reference for future dates for you, up to and including letters of recommendation.
— I have no criminal record, but we can change that on our date if you feel like taking a walk on the wild side.
— You have the option of our date being in Russian or in Spanish — I’m fluent in both so you can select the language of your choice! English is the default, obviously.
— I have never hooked up with a Unilocaler. I’ve never kissed a Unilocaler, although I have groped a few, but you could be the lucky one to pop my Unilocal-​love cherry. (NB: this only works if the date goes well).

****EDIT: See my date auction video at
(it’s safe to watch at work)****
«HEY BIG SPENDER!
Spend a little time with me»
The winner of the Lynn F package deal will not only be serenaded with this song– they will also receive:
…A gift honoring your generous donation to the cause
…A night of schmoozing at a sexy bar… or a place like Marie’s Crisis, if that’s up your alley (Please let that be up your alley! [That’s what she said.])
…Food to soak up the alcohol at a location of your choice
…An online photo album dedicated to our night together, with clever captions guaranteed to make your significant other/​friends/​family/​landlord/​cat jealous.
Here are some Lynn Facts to entice you prospective buyers:
1) I can probably drink you under the table. That’s right. It’s a challenge.
2) My nickname while growing up used to be «bambi» for my large, doe-​shaped eyes. That changed in high school to «bamb-​adonkadonk» for my large… yeah. ~_​^
3) I was Little Miss Washington D.C. of 1993. You could have a night with a former pageant queen!
4) I am nocturnal almost to the point where I can use sound waves to detect objects in the dark. So there will be no curfew on our date…
5) I am 5’2″ — and although «good things come in small packages,» the BEST things come in small asian-​and-​jewish-​themed packages. Betcha didn’t know that part of the saying, did you?
6) I act, sing, and dance… and have been known to whip out my tap shoes while drunk… and challenge breakdancers to a battle. The potential amusement factor of the evening is very, very high.
So whip out your wallets, boys and girls, and make a good contribution to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society!
«And if you’re real good
I’ll make you feel good
I’d want your spirit to climb
So let me entertain you
And we’ll have a real good time, yessir!»
We’ll have a real good time…

As a lot of you know, I’m the perfect combination of brawn and brain (and also very modest). I have abs, many of them (
), and many Unilocalers can attest to their quality. I’m also pretty smart, with a few too many diplomas, and now a university professor (what?! the kinds of people you find on Unilocal…). Who has never dreamed of going on a date (ok… let’s be honest… hooking up) with a young hot professor?
Ok… enough BS. Hmm… I mean more.
I’m easy to please, and also just easy. Our date could involve anything from a trip to the beach or the museum, a walk around town, a good dinner, a few drinks, more drinks, and possibly some drinks too. I might also smoke you out if you’re into that. Just pick and choose.
Sure, I’m already «kind of taken»… but you know what they say, once a ho, always a ho… um what?! And if you’re into threeway fun, you may also select to have hot hottie Sean K (
) join us on our date… two for the price of one! He doesn’t have as many diplomas as me (lucky him), but he has a killer sense of humor, and a bigger package… that should count for something, right?
Seriously, don’t waste your money on some crazy lowlife… you won’t find a hotter date on Unilocal,and I’ll fly from the Midwest just for you. And don’t be cheap, it’s for a good cause.

Even though I am giving myself 5 stars, in order to be fair to everyone so you know exactly what you are bidding on, I will lay out the pros and cons of Melanie R. (that’s me!). Even the best things have their downfalls, right? :)
THE GOOD:
–I am an EOD (Equal Opportunity Dater) = I like boys and girls so please, come one, come all and bid away!
–Moms LOVE me (so do Dads, but that might not be such a good thing)
–I have child bearing hips, and not in the «I’m curvy» euphemism type way.
–I always make sure to look my best, yet somehow I’m low maintenance. You don’t have to believe me, but when I’m ready to leave before you are, I’ll be the one laughing.
–40D (not my bra size, you perv… It’s my camera. I’m a fabulous photographer! I’ll take your photo if you want.)
–34DD (ok fine, it’s my bra size this time).
–I’m really smart, and stuff. (No, seriously. If you don’t know the difference between good & well and the proper use of a semicolon, don’t even bother.)
–I live alone. (I even have a real couch, which officially makes me an adult!)
–I’m EXTREMELY loyal.
THE BAD:
–I’m kind of a workaholic (Ok, not kind of… it’s an illness. But if you can get past my Blackberry, I’m really really really cool! Hey, at least I’m not a lazy bum.)
–I try really hard to be a vegetarian, but between my doctor telling me I need red meat, and the fact that I LOVE filet mignon, sometimes I cheat. (shhhhh, it’s really horrible, I know.)
–I might make fun of you more than you can handle. I’m a major smart-​ass. If you don’t like my humor, we won’t get along and you might cry. Do yourself a favor and just give me shit back!
–I hardly ever drink and therefore I am considered to be a cheap date. Is this actually a bad thing?
— — -
TESTIMONIALS:
While researching to most accurately write this review, I solicited my best girlfriends for their input. Here are some of the best quotes:
«Melanie is not only the physical perfection that women worldwide strive for, she is the creative soul of an artist, the witty humor of your best friend, the inappropriate giggle of a five year old, and the sound advice or well informed debate of your favorite professor. I’ve known her for almost ten years (good lord we are OLD!) and she still makes me laugh constantly. The pee your pants shoot beer out your nose kind of laughing. She is one of the most funnest (lolz) people I know and will guaranteed make you laugh.»
–Kayte M.
-
«Gives it up real easy with a nice dinner and or gift.
Funny, generally at other people’s expense.
Big knockers-​fake? Who cares.
Tan-​fake? who cares.
Nails-​fake? who cares.
Straight hair-​fake? who cares
Auctioning yourself off for charity-​means you’re like a humanitarian, but the hot slutty kind.»
–Audra T.
-
«You HAVE to put in there that they can’t mind sharing you w/​your crackberry»
–Rita K.
-
«Melanie: Voted most likely to be naked in her apt. (I’ve seen it, good stuff)»
–Maria L.
-
«Nice jugs, awesome personality, funny, down-​to-​earth, helpful, passionate and super talented. AND SHE COOKS TOO!»
–Yaas A.
— — –
DATE IDEAS:
–Boggle in Central Park… but only if you want to get your ASS kicked.
–Go to Times Square to make fun of tourists.
–Apple Store at 3am with obscure tech issue, demanding to talk to Steve Jobs.
–Daytrip to Norwalk, CT to visit Stew Leonard’s and eat lunch via samples.
–Say fuck it all and just go to Per Se or Robuchon.
— — -
So, boys and girls, bid on me! I guarantee that there will be laughter, witty banter, good food (duh, with 2 Unilocalers on a date) …and I will look super-​pretty for you! If you’re totally awesome, you might even get a kiss on the cheek.
Sincerely,
MellyBelly

Guys, it’s for charity… Let’s be generous, yeah?
I’m like a Swiss army knife, if you will – versatility in a small package! Because I’m a curious person with an interest in almost everything, I’d not only be willing to try something new, but chances are, I’d make a great partner for whatever you’d like to do on a date with me. I can…
…talk (endlessly) about the upcoming football season at a bar
…discuss with you in a museum how the friendship with Warhol impacts our perception of Basquiat
…tell you who my favorite Boom writer is and why over a cup of a great coffee at a cozy café
…buy a can of spray paint and graffiti angry marine creatures all over town
…bowl 5 gutters in a row at a bowling alley and laugh it off
…dance, dance, dance!
…challenge you a Streetfighter death match at a Chinatown arcade
…argue, while brown bagging it at a park, that Jean Grey is more of an obnoxious perfect superhero than Superman can ever be
…and more!
Now, I don’t want to say that I’m good looking, but I will say that I did model before. And in the spirit of complete disclosure, I’ll have to confess that because I was young and money was tight… the modeling that I did was topless.
But really, you know that deep down inside you want to go out with a former diaper model. …(Wait, what sort of topless modeling were you thinking?)
Also! To make the date fail-​proof, I’d like to offer my buyer both an exit strategy and an insurance plan. Let’s say that for some reason or another, you decide that the date isn’t going as you’d hope. In that case, I promise to cease being your date and instead be your guy buddy somehow trapped inside a girl’s body. Not only will we be making stupid bar bets over nothing with no stress of trying to impress another, but I’ll even be your wingman of the night! It’ll be my duty to get you some booty! And, I’ll even extend my services and promise to stop you from making a bad decision (dude, she looks like Ronaldinho with a wig).
Lastly, I’d like to openly admit that I am a lush. I am a lightweight who loves to drink. See, I don’t understand why girls would openly boast of how much they can drink. Because as a featherweight, not only will I be a cheaper date (1.5 drink wonder!), but I will be more likely to sooner make impaired decisions.
And with that, I leave you with a quote from the super awesome movie Superbad, «You know when you hear girls say ‘Ah man, I was so shit-​faced last night, I shouldn’t have fucked that guy?’ We could be that mistake!»
Happy biddings!

When Julie first asked me to be a part of the 2^nd Annual Date Auction, what else could I say?
1. Its for a great cause
2. Its for a great person contributing to a great cause
3. I’ll try most anything once (so long as it won’t kill me out right)
4. I can’t say no to a woman
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So what makes me a good candidate, you ask? I’m not exactly sure myself, but you be the judge based on the following worthy attributes:
1. I am incredibly cheesy and «mildly» sarcastic. I pass up no opportunity for a bad joke insertion (heh heh… insertion)
2. I’ve got a cool head according to Montel Williams, and will shave it or keep it scruffy depending on your liking.
3. I am very independent but cherish good company in times of debauchery.
4. Although lately I’ve been spending most of my free time working, I am also known to be an avid amateur photog, moonlighting beer snob, the town jester, or versed bassist /​backup vocalist.
5. I surprise myself when I sing karaōke or in my car.
6. I regret nothing in life with the exception of one bad habit.
7. I am one of the few native NY’ers living in NYC.
8. I live life on the edge, sometimes quite literally and often times going over the edge.
9. I know a little about a lot, something about some things, not everything about most everything, but enough to be conversive, combative, insightful, or receptive.
10. I am very free-​spirited and open-​minded.
11. I have more food allergies than you could ever imagine.
******************************************
What shall we do on this adventure, you ask? Well, the choice is yours, but I could offer any or all of the following:
1. A classy dining experience
2. A classy drinking experience
3. Museum or gallery browsing.
4. Jazz, rock, classical, or other musical experience (opera & musical are off limits unless the price is right, haha)
5. A dive-​bar experience.
6. A three-​piece suit experience (remember, bid high ;)).
7. An exclusive all-​access guided tour of the Empire State Building
8. A walking tour of NYC architecture
9. Indoor Rock climbing excursion
10. Rollerblades anyone? Seriously, when was the last time you rollerbladed. Think about it.
11. I give stellar back massages.
12. Or whatever you BIG heart desires
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Remember the CAUSE. Remember ME when you bid for the CAUSE. Bid BIG for ME and thanks for supporting the CAUSE!
******************************************************
Some testimonials:
Peter K: «„Lectured“ like „bald“ are poor words in describing you, brother.»
Tony C: «I need to party with you more often»
Ting S: «was fun to put a face to the white castle boxes»
Joolie T: «mmm hot sauce that burns your lips for 2 hours!»
Tina M: «thanks for the massage, baby»
Suzanne G: «You’re cooler than I thought!»

I got number 200 and RoTD in one fell swoop. Imagine what I can do with your clothes.
—–
I’m a pretty laid back kind of guy, but I don’t mind dressing up every once in a while. And I mean that in the straight-​guy sense of dressing up every once in a while, not the gay-​guy sense of every once in a while (which would make it pretty often and somewhat ironic).
—–
We’ll get along if you like any of these things:
— beer, wine, and liquor
— food of a particular cuisine
— popular cultural zeitgeist items
— referential cultural zeitgeist items
— insult comedy. Or dick and fart jokes; I’m down with making fun of anything.
—–
The girls say I kiss pretty good. The guys say I kiss the best.
—–
No uglies or fatties! (I kid, I kid. Only if the price is right.)

What can I say?
I’m not egotistical enough this time around to say that I’m PERFECT. However, considering I gave (1) Taim, (2) Little Branch, and (3) Le Bernardin (where the (3) could just stand for, oh, 3 Michelin Stars) LOWER ratings, you have to admit you’re getting a pretty damn good deal.
And if that doesn’t convince you, then I’ll even confess to a little secret: Four of the last five people I’ve made out with I have met through Unilocal.
((((((silence)))))))
I know, I know — I should be ashamed.
But somehow… I’m not?
**Disclaimer: Past performance is not an indicator of future results.**
EDIT 6÷22÷08 — To all you LEFT COAST PEOPLE, I will be in the Bay Area from July 4^th through July 9^th. *HINT HINT*

K: Kicks ass at drinking and drinking related activities
H: Handsome (or at least his momma says so)
A: Able to carry large objects/​people (Helps drunk women get home, and no, not in a sketchy way!!)
L: Likes big butts and he can not lie! (Likes small ones too)
I: Interested in learning about new nouns (Persons, places, or things).
B: Brings his spirit to have kick arse times with him where ever he goes!
Hello Ladies, and welcome to the Khalib hour. In this time you will enjoy a soft candlelight dinner of hotwings and cornbread, followed by rousing renditions of songs Khalib never bothered to learn the words to but insists on singing any way. Then be swept away to several of the local watering holes for what else, watering. Then if you are truly lucky you will hold witness to Khalib as he is rarely seen, DANCING! His patented ass spanking robot dance is said to be the most bewildering of all inexperienced dancer dance moves. To end the night Khalib will most gentlemanly-​like escort to your subway stop where he shall bid you adieu with an awkward «Hey it was nice hanging out with you, see you at the next Unilocal event» Truly, truly an evening to be remember!
Disclaimer: Khalib does not speak in the third person in real life situation, and what happens on the Khalib Hour actually is 100 percent dependent on what you want to do.
Warning: During the Khalib hour one may witness Khalib oogling one’s lady lumps. Please do not be alarmed Khalib will realize what he is doing and avert his eyes.

I was gonna be modest and give myself four stars, but why lie? I deserve five stars! Hahahah Okay, okay, I’m not really that big-​headed, but hey, I’m trying to sell myself here… for charity, at least!
So, as promised, here’s the cheesy-​ness that is me. Feel free to skip down if you need to so that your brain doesn’t turn to mush.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
to the tune of Janet Jackson’s «Feedback»
Shrimp Fried.
Pork Fried.
My fried rice is damn hot!
I make them all, that’s why you all out here eatin.
Cause it’s yummy.
Do you like my rice?
Yeah, that’s yummy yummy yummy.
How I fry it up?
Yeah, that’s yummy yummy yummy.
You can wok it out.
Yeah, that’s yummy yummy yummy.
Let me show you how.
Yeah, that’s yummy yummy yummy.
So here’s my demonstration.
Some cold rice,
Add some shrimp, an egg, bean sprouts and onions baby.
Though it’s not spicy, don’t be scared to
Eat it, I said so.
So come and get it babe!
(Chorus)
Wok it up and shake it round, feed all my friends a bowl.
When you hear it sizzle, you will finally know.
Fry it up, give it to you, come on.
Fry it up, give it to you, come on.
I’m gonna feed you, feed you, oh o.
Feed you, feed you, oh o.
Fry it up, give it to you, come on.
Fry it up, give it to you, come on.
I’m gonna feed you, feed you, oh o.
Feed you, feed you, oh.
Shrimp Fried.
Pork Fried.
My fried rice is damn hot!
I make them all, that’s why you all out here eatin.
Cause it’s yummy.
Do you like my rice?
Yeah, that’s yummy yummy yummy.
How I fry it up?
Yeah, that’s yummy yummy yummy.
You can wok it out.
Yeah, that’s yummy yummy yummy.
Let me show you how.
Yeah, that’s yummy yummy yummy.
Before we go any more further.
You say you hate shrimps and all fish cake.
I got pork, beef, spam or chicken.
Feed your tastes kid.
Satisfy you babe.
(Repeat Chorus)
You like it how I work my wok.
Got you feeling all hungry.
I gotta wok oh so divine.
Make a Unilocaler wanna pay money,
Cuz I’m so on fire.
Flyer than Martin Yan, find another chick better than.
I don’t see her.
Cause my skills are serious.
Something heavy like a Le Creuset, so…
Wok it up and shake it round, feed all my friends a bowl.
When you hear it sizzle, you will finally know.
Fry it up, give it to you, come on.
Fry it up, give it to you, come on.
I’m gonna feed you, feed you, oh o.
Feed you, feed you, oh o.
(Repeat Chorus)
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Okay, end of cheesy-​ness, I promise!
Anyhoo, I’m a trained chef, so I can make you goodies to eat — including the above mentioned fried rice. Fellow Unilocalers can attest to my cupcake, kimchee mandoo and bruschetta skills… Other stuff too if you were at the Tryst event…
I’ve got both impeccable and divey tastes. Hey, sometimes you need caviar and other times you need a dirty water dog (that’s a hot dog from a NYC street vendor for those not in the know…).
I know how to have fun and have been known to be naughty in public, another thing fellow Unilocalers can attest to. I cannot be held accountable for what my hands or tongue do…
I’m willing to try anything TWICE. Hey, what if the first time was a fluke?
I’m sure there’s more, but I’ve already talked about myself too much…
So yeah, bid on me! Cuz c’mon, it’s for charity!
…
Updated 6÷22÷08
Last night, my consultants thought I should mention that I have hidden ink and a piercing… I guess you can figure out where each of them are on our date!

Top Ten Reasons to bid on the lovely, the gorgeous, the inimitable, the DIVINE
Miss Maria M!!!
(in no particular order)
1) If drinkin’s your thing, I know some good places to get fancy beer. I also know plenty of spots that are more on the pretty side, if that’s your deal. Note here that I sip and gulp fast ;-)
Try and keep up.
2) I have taken a hard drinkin, hard livin, smokin hot Korean lady as my woman. Always nice to have options. Interpret this as you will. We are also featured in the 3 for 1 package deal, so you can have this hottness, or a triple dose!!! YOU decide how much you can take!
3) Yes, THEY are real. If you play your cards right and ask nicely (or buy me drinks nicely), you may touch, and through the miracle of the transitive property, touching me will open a whole new world for you, in more ways than one.
4) I don’t feel the need to use the internet to flash people. Just sayin.
5) I RULE!
6) Everybody loves a Latina. This year, I’ll let you call me «Spicy Latina».
7) I get FUC’d a lot, and I enjoy every second of it. I also FUC back.
8) I’m really good at karaōke. Favorites include: «I Just Want to be Your Everything» by Andy Gibb, «Babe» by Styx, Tina Turner, Madonna, the group favourite, «More Than Words». The cheesier the better.
9) I play pool. What could be sexier than a little pool-​playing vixen? ROWR.
10) BOOBIES. ‘Nuff said.
Wanna be lazy, sit on the couch, watch a baseball/​soccer/​whatever game and have beers delivered to you? Want a shelf of your fridge stocked with the beer of your choice? Are you into Latin food and have always been curious about the tastes of Guatemala? Want to take salsa lessons together? Want some cute arm candy as you take a walk through the streets of Manhattan? Want me to whisper Spanish/​French nothings or recite love poems in either language to you? Want to watch me eat a Melona popsicle? A cherry? Wanna know what color my lucky drawers are? Do you love George Clooney and want to shake the hand that was briefly held in his hands? All that and more can most certainly be arranged…
You know, 2008 is all about decisions. So decide RIGHT (or left, as it were) and give this little piece of heaven right here on earth a try! You won’t regret it!
It’s all for a good cause, and hey, IT’S ME! So, loveys, bid early, bid often, BIG MONEY!
PS — Bidding on Miss Maria M. is also open to DC Man-​Yelpers. I’ll be in DC in July, so we can make it happen then!

Dear super baller hunka hunkas of Unilocal,to whom I owe the pleasure of my company (and my pleasurable services),
Here, I describe what my perfect date consists of, in hopes to paint a clearer picture of the phenomenal Julia S. J.:
quoting Anchorman
quoting Kung Pow
eating lots of fried chicken [perhaps in front of a gym?]
listening to live music of some sort
playing scrabble
burping contest
making fun of other people
you buying me shoes
***update ⁶⁄₂₀: you teaching me all about soccer, so i can gawk
@ the hot players in your presence from an educated standpoint**
i know, i know. i’m the perfect date.
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Now, some reasons to bid, if you SOMEHOW needed anything more than my pix & reviews:
I’ll laugh at your jokes. Not because I’m being nice, but I’m easily amused.
Don’t you want to date someone who is only ½ a year past eligible for BARELY LEGAL TEENS? [Yeah, you do.]
Since I’m not of drinking age, I’ll probably be a cheap date. [While you enjoy your Malbec, I’ll be sippin’ milk. In pigtails, if you’d like.]
I’ll feel complimented when you stare at my butt. Why yes, I HAVE been workin’ it out!
I have yet to meet a Unilocaler. You can pop my Unilocal-​cherry.
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and finally… I also promise to be as pervy in person, as I am in this, and all of my other reviews.