The Polar Vortex

WTH! First day of Spring 2016 and I’m freezing at 38 degrees.
The weatherman is predicting 3 inches of snow later.
:(

Polar Vortex enters the Northeast with artic chilling temperatures of sub-​zero degrees. Bone chilling numb gripping the human body through layers of sweaters, down coat, gloves, hats, scarves, winter boots that leads to snow. Bulky clothing. Wind gusts of 60 MPH that splatters snow in your face making visibility very minimal. You can see your breath in the air. Voluntary house arrest.
All in all, at least winter in NY is approx. four months of the year.

It is definitely a snowpocalypse, a snowzilla in Miami. This is supposed to be the sunshine state, yet the feels like temperature is 53 degrees! I’ve had to wear the jacket I’ve only worn when visiting DC and San Francisco. I will not be patronizing this business again; I am staying indoors until temperatures return to normal.

U mother fcuker…
How dare u??? Warm temperatures into January then u go blizzard on us.
Oh, ur a sneaky one indeed.
Because of u:
Gym closed
Subway closed
Chinese food joint closed
Roads closed
Bank closed
Movie theatre closed
Travel Ban
To ur credit, I like ur style. Inconveniencing entire cities and pissing off people is funny.
Blizzard Jonas was epic

I guess Winter came back with a vengeance!
My front door can’t open and my poor car is buried. My employer must have had a brain freeze asking me to come to work. No sir

I was really hoping this event would not live up to all the hype, but alas it sucked just as badly as the hyperbolic weather channel weenies predicted.
There are drifts on my deck that would qualify as mountain ranges in the Midwest.
You were going to do something today? It’s canceled.
I would have gone one star, but if I can clear my driveway enough tomorrow to go cross country skiing, all will be well.
Do Unilocalers get cabin fever faster than the general population? Possibly. Have I run out of movies on Netflix yet? No I have not.

«Sub-​zero wins»
You walk outside during this blizzard and instantly it’s like your being hit with multiple combos by subzero from mortal kombat. The wind picks up and basically throws all the snow flakes in your face, giving you little time to even look towards your next step. while your walking threw this crazy maze of snow trails, you notice the visibility begins to fade away, making it hard to see in front of you or even what’s beyond the next blocks to come.
«Tools of survival»
A few things that will help you on your journey of kicking the snow’s but are the following. First your gonna need high their boots, that way you can walk up and downhill like a boss! Secondly your your gonna need a coat with a hoodie so your head is covered and you don’t get sick. And lastly your gonna need a scarf so you can battle the powerful wind gust of it goes right in your face.
«Overall»
It’s cold. But don’t get bodied stay home!

What is harder than a penis on 6 months intake of Cialis?
Living in this year’s version of The Polar Vortex.
Worried about preserving your cell phone battery?
~No problem, I go outside for more than 20 minutes and my cell brick is frozen solid. Thanks.
Worried about your fridge breaking?
~Buy yourself a large plastic bin from The Container Store and place it by windows. Open said windows and voila. You could leave the bins outside but risk of raccoons, rodents or any other stray animals getting to your food might not be something you want.
Worried about profusely sweating for no reason?
~I guess this Polar Vortex is for you sweet cheeks.
It is more than halfway into the month of March and it’s still brick cold. I think this deserves a nice big GO_​F U * K _​Y O U R S E L F to Mother Nature.
I hate LMFAO sometimes because I’m NOT in Miami B*tch…
Not a fan.

As the old saying goes «it’s colder than a witches tit». Got done shoveling snow? Don’t worry there will be a fresh layer next week to shovel. Always consistent. Back breaking labor in frigid temperatures guaranteed!
Want to go out to restaurant so you can Unilocal about it? Fat chance! You’ll be stuck at home cooking ramen noodles. Unless you want to trek through the frozen tundra to somewhere local.
Have a friend who has a Subaru? Be prepared to see her post memes about how it drives so well on facebook EVERY TIME IT SNOWS! Yes we get it. Your car drives good in the snow. You don’t need to shove it down everyone’s throat via the most annoying social media outlet possible. Meanwhile a vehicle with less traction skids right into the frozen Paterson falls.
Cabin fever your type of thing? The polar vortex got you covered! Guaranteed to keep you inside longer than you would like.
Don’t believe in global warming? The polar vortex is perfect to justify the fact that it doesn’t exist! Cold weather and not erratic weather patterns will justify your backwards, unscientific beliefs so you can turn the world into one giant oil spill. Yay corporate interest!
Oh and pipes freezing and digging out your car always a plus.
All in all f**k you polar vortex. Go suck a d**k!!!

Every week, the meteorologists’ claim that Snowpacolypse 2015 is coming and that we all better kiss our own asses goodbye. My armor usually consists of a parka, a shirt, a sweater, two pairs of pants and snow boots laced up so tight than I can barely bend my legs when walking. That being said, the Polar Vortex has won this battle, since I am sick and walking through the snow for more than 20 minutes yesterday probably contributed to that.
I realize that complaining about two degree weather is a first-​world problem because we can afford weather, but it is still somewhat soul-​crushing when near zero temperatures and commensurate winds are burning my face. In reaction to this icy disaster, my down comforter has its own down comforter. The human burrito that is my bed has been the primary reason I have thus far survived.
At this point, the weather has caused me to work at home so often that I am surprised I remain employed. I am not saying that I hate you Polar Vortex, I am just saying that you are the ugly, freezing stepsister that no one likes to talk about, but is always around. Hopefully, your sister Spring comes back from her extended vacation in the equator, sooner rather than later.

So this is the 2015 edition and it’s bad enough to get frostbite in all your nether regions. Goose down, Gore-​Tex, Polar Fleece, Thinsulate, Polargard, Heattech, I think I’ve worn through just about all of my cold weather gear plus the extra stuff I bought for last year’s Vortex. Walking around in the single digit temperatures and «snot-​freezes-​in-​your-​nose» wind chill, it’s hard even to take a breath of air without choking on it. Maybe the lack of oxygen was why I was delirious enough to believe I was Jake Gyllenhaal in «The Day After Tomorrow» being chased by wolves down 5^th Avenue, holed up in the New York Public Library (I used to work there) and burning encyclopedias to stay alive (anybody remember what those are?!).
Pro tip: If your boss is chintzy on the heat in your office and frowns upon wastebasket bonfires, then turn on every piece of electronic equipment in the office, especially the laser printers. Print yourself a copy of «War & Peace» or anything that will consume a ream of paper (sorry trees) and sit on it fresh out of the printer.
Stay toasty, my friends.

2015 edition.
Think back. Remember when 18 to 24 inches of snow meant off from school? Obviously those days are long gone for most of us. Now we commute into work by car or public transportation. This is serious just when you thought it was safe to go outside you shut down the city as of 11 pm tonight.
Thirty to forty mile an hour winds with drifts up to four feet. All this over a thirty six hour period. Impressive, you even have a name, Juno.
Maybe we were getting kind of greedy since we really haven’t had much snow this year.
By the way, did you really have to come on my days off? Can’t even get snow days from work. It will probably take me days to dig out my car.
You Suck! See you next year.

juno got me out a few hrs earlier from work.
time to shovel :(

Winter Is Coming…
SITREP
…and it’s a bee-​yatch when I’m driving on the East Coast — or more likely, in Seattle.
THE SETUP
Icy roads! Snow banks over your head! Frigid temperatures! Dogs & cats, living together! MASS HYSTERIA!
DOWNSIDES
* In D.C., they salt the roads which decays the undercarriage of our vehicles, hence the term «Rust Belt».
* In Seattle, I swear they still don’t know how to drive in the snow — you get buses veering off the roads and precariously with their noses extended over overpasses
UPSIDE
Makes for GREAT environmental ambiance when up in Lake Tahoe, and you got snow coming right up to the hot tub — close enough to put the Bottle of Bubbly into and keep it cool. [Plus 1-​Star!] ;)
DJ POLAR VORTEX
And inspired by the Polar Vortex, comes it’s bastard imitator: DJ Polar Vortex & The Polar Posse!
Back from touring Antartica, The Artic, Newfoundland, Latvia & North Dakota, they’re loud and they’re proud: «That’s right, beyatches, DJ Polar Vortex & the Polar Posse have RETURNED!»
«And we’re ready to spin!» To the Polar Posse, «Give me a beat!»
*ICE ICE BABY…*
THE LOWDOWN
(Dam, where’d my testicles disappear to? SRSLY!)

Yeah, this experience really sucked. I’ve dealt with cold conditions in the past, but it was nothing compared to what we experienced this time. We had temperatures in the single digits during the daytime and the negative digits in the night. Our heaters kept on running consistently during those frigid hours. We had to add more layers of blankets to our mattresses, which was a lot more than how much we usually add during the Winter times in the past. We were lucky that our pipes didn’t freeze up, though.
If that wasn’t enough, how about the effects that it had on our cars? The Polar Vortex placed a strain on the batteries of our cars. What do I mean? Much more battery power was used in order to start the engines in our cars during those frigid times. We were glad that the batteries didn’t die on us while trying to get our cars started. We never experienced anything like that during our previous Winters.
We had three cars, and one of them had to be parked outside on the driveway. When we got in that car that morning, we discovered shavings of ice INSIDE the car (on a part of the front and side windows). That was the first time we’ve ever saw ice shavings in the interior of the car. At least scraping it off wasn’t an issue.
If we didn’t wear gloves during those weather conditions, our hands would have suffered deeply. I had to use cocoa butter lotion and gloves to protect my hands from this frigid weather. I also had to wear my winter hat to protect my ears during those moments too. It would have hurt if I hadn’t used them.
This was one experience that no one needed to deal with.

Pro: Very few people hanging out in the streets asking if I could spare any change.
Con: Exponentially more people hanging out on the 6 train asking if I could spare any change.
Pro: No dumbos riding CitiBikes the wrong way down a 1-​way street.
Con: Way more foot traffic — do walk faster, good sir.
Pro: I own layers.
Con: I still got sick.
And then there was that time that none of us lived in Fargo, ND where it was –35 or somesuch, so at least there’s that.

So, this is what it feels like to be Santa Clause! Well guess what? Christmas is over and the big fat jolly man can take his weather back with him. It’s freaking cold! Even the Icicles have Icicles!
When I first heard about this weather, I called BS, I thought it was all hype considering that it was 50 degrees outside! Boy, was I wrong… so wrong. When I left the house this morning my face and ears instantly hurt from the cold. I usually don’t wear winter hats so I went back inside and grabbed a hat and my gloves!
Driving this morning all the cars looked like they were steam powered; the temperature difference made massive amount of steam come from all the tailpipes of the cars on the road.
…But on a serious note, if it is colder in some parts of the country (like Chicago) than it is in th North Pole and Siberia, something is seriously, seriously wrong.
Stay warm and hopefully nobody’s ears will fall off from frost bite!

This Polar Vortex is so cold that this entire week, I have actually seen teenagers with their pants UP and their boxers tucked IN!
According to the internets, the «polar vortex», as it sounds — is the circulation of strong, upper-​level winds that normally surround the northern pole in a counterclockwise direction — a polar low-​pressure system. These winds tend to keep the bitter cold air locked in the Arctic regions of the Northern Hemisphere.
It is not a single storm. On occasion, this vortex can become distorted and dip much farther south than you would normally find it, allowing cold air to spill southward and unfortunately our beloved New York City. Also some would argue that this could be an effect of global warming… thanks a lot carbon dioxide.
Kay, wait a sec. Have to wait for my hands to regain circulation again in order to type (*rubs hands together really fast*) okay, there — that’s nice… It’s really, REALLY, really cold here. This morning it was 3°F, but according to meteorologists it feels like –16°. Part of my hair was frozen this morning from when I ran some leave-​in conditioner through the ends.
This certainly isn’t a time to neglect or skimp out on your skin, hair and health. Make sure to slather on some SPF moisturizer, Blistex and don’t go out unless you absolutely have to! Seriously you guys, this is totally Netflix and Snuggie weather.
On the Brightside, The Polar Vortex isn’t like a Sharknado with Polar Bears. That would be awful. New York City is a super resilient place, but we can’t handle Polar Bears flying around with bad winds — we can’t even handle 2 inches of snow.
I’m also glad that this isn’t a «Shark Vortex»…there aren’t even enough words in the English language to cover how incapacitating that would be. It would take several obscene Spanish expletives to cover this. Yeah, «Shark Vortex» — no thank you.
Another silver lining is that perhaps The Polar Vortex would be a fantastic place to enjoy a frozen margarita or twelve… since yanno, you can probably just walk outside with one and it’ll freeze right up. In a few months we can discuss how to fry eggs on a car dashboard, but until then stay warm kids and layer up!
I only gave this sucker 5 stars because stars are technically sparkly fireballs of gas that are massive, luminous sphere of plasma held together by its own gravity… they’re also closer to the sun and thus warmer than you are in The Polar Vortex. 5 stars — because I want my review to be as warm as possible *****.

Global warming my a**.
Hell frozen over and came to NYC.
Helloooo, warm and fuzzy (or chill and frozen) childhood memories! Two layers for pants, three layers on top, warmest coat you own… What, you cannot put your arms down?
Now, follow those survival rules and you will be golden:
— always dry your hair and wear hat.
— drink vodka to stay warm and hydrated.
— DO NOT under any circumstances try to pee outside!
Oh, look, a polar bear! Wait, no, that’s just my neighbor…

5 STARS MY COLD FREEZING ASS! What are you people smoking? It’s freaking 7 degrees outside with a wind chill of –14!!! Are you kidding me?
Now look, I will be the first to admit that I actually enjoy the colder weather and crisp clean air of the Fall and Winter over the hot humid sweaty NY summers, but this is friggin’ ridiculous. You ever see that Seinfeld episode when George experiences «shrinkage»? This weather is causing some major shrinkage and it’s not cool! It’s like a turtle that is hiding in it’s shell. Eff this Polar Vortex crap. Where is Al Gore when you need him?
So, wonder how many idiots stood in line for a cronut today, or will be on line for Shake Shack in Madison Square Park for lunch? Screw that. I’m getting delivery!
Good thing I own a flask and some bourbon to help keep me warm. Problem is now I got to work and can’t see straight.
Well, at least with this weather I don’t have to worry about Swamp Ass!