Adult Book Store

It’s funny to see how conservative the sign with the lady on it has become. I’ll give it to them, they’ve been in business for a very long time. So, when I was little, the lady was exactly the same except she was fully nude. Then she progressively got tamer — lines added to the black triangle of pubic hair making it appear as a bikini bottom; years later, I noticed they’d added a matching black bikini top. Aww, isn’t that quaint? Presently, they’ve covered up her stomach putting her in a cocktail dress. How lame is that? This is grimey downtown Oakland, not Pleasanton, what next a full on pants suit?

Ok. Last Tuesday I was out with my mad scientist friend and my mad writer friend doing our usual at the sweet little greasy spoon that is Yummy Guide and the sweet little dive hole that is Ruby Room.
And the thing is I always walk by this «bookstore» when I’m cutting through Chinatown. Unabashedly leering in but never mustering up the gusto to go all up inside.
So this past week after filling our tummies with squid kebabs and curry chicken and french fries and deep fried sesame balls and soup and fruit and waffles and milkshakes and other crap for like $ 20 total (gotta love the Yummy), I finally suggested it.
«So guys… uhhhhhm. Wanna walk around the corner and go into the Adult store with me??»
My friends are all, «UM. HELLO? HELL. YES. JESSICA. GOD.»
So we run around the corner and slip through the door. This place consists of two aisles of bad 1980’s straight porn. Titles like «Cock Catcher» with some chick crouched down like an umpire. Big booty hos. Big titty hos. You get it.
On one wall were the most bizarre toys. The LARGEST dildo I’ve ever seen. It was the size of my leg. Plus it was neon pink. Then there was this vibrator dildo toy that was shaped like a big L, and at the end of the L was this telescope looking lens so you could SEE yourself!!! We all wanted it bad.
Then at the end of both aisles were a series of booths. Painted burnt siena. And both sides you could hear videos of girls moaning.
I ran around to the other aisle to ear hustle on one of the patrons, and this is what I heard:
video girl voice: «Unnnnnnnnh. Unnnnnnnnh. Ahhhhhhhh yeah!!!»
*BANG* *BUMP* *CRASH* *THUD*
patron: «OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHARRRRGGGGGNNNNNUUUH.»
Then I turned around and noticed that behind the counter there were all of these gag gifts. Like memo tablets that say «While You Were Out Fucking Off,» and little rubberbands wrapped in plastic called «Cheap Bastard’s Cock Ring.»
Then I noticed all these little black bottles with dark liquid in them. And they had flavors like «Jungle Juice» and «Hot Pussy.»
So I go up to counter dude and go, «what are all those bottles? Like the Jungle Juice, what’s that?»
And he goes, «Oh. That’s…cassette head cleaner.»
Eh? My friends had to explain to me that those bottles legitimately are filled with cassette head cleaner, but they’re really «Poppers,» which apparently are used during butt sex. Like if you’re on bottom you sniff it and you get all… relaxed. If you know what I mean.
God. I’m so naïve.
When I walked outside this guy asked me for some change to catch a bus to… Vegas? I don’t remember where. And he was like, «Can I have some change? I sing for my money, hang on.»
Then he looked into my eyes for like 5 minutes singing about how he’ll always be my baby in the autumn or something like that. Change well earned on his part.
So anyway, this place rocks. I totally am planning on working here part time. I’m going to ask when I go back to buy the gag gift cock ring and the look-​at-​yourself Vibrator. I wanna be the surly chick behind the counter that’s not helpful and sits there filing her nails and chewing gum all day. Yup.