Matthew J Haag, MD

Like any red-​blooded ‘Murican man, I believe doctors are on this planet for one reason and one reason only, and that’s to pronounce you dead after you have a heart attack while smoking a cigar, drinking whiskey and riding your motorcycle off a cliff into the Grand Canyon at age 110. Preferably after you’ve left a trail of broken hearts and admiring youngsters to mourn your passing.*
Nonetheless, what with having health insurance and all, I found myself wishing to take advantage of a covered annual physical and see if, despite feeling fine, there might be something wrong with me that I could panic about. I needed to change doctors because my last physician was morbidly obese and did not strike me as even moderately intelligent. While there’s nothing wrong with either of those characteristics, I discriminate against them when they come packaged together in the form of a doctor.
My wife recommended this fellow, and I am a huge fan. The office has an excellent team atmosphere; you better believe there are nurses who wouldn’t be caught dead answering phones or helping fill out new patient paperwork to cover the front when the place first opens. Actually, come to think of it, I must have hit a home run with the nurse because she was fast, friendly, and drew blood quickly, easily and on the first try.*** The wait was not unreasonable, and Dr. Haag was the perfect physician as far as I can tell. He explained exactly why he wanted to test what he did; he was friendly, thorough and curious (he even looked something up on his phone during our discussion to get the latest data … Technology!); and he listened carefully to my questions and comments and provided meaningful answers that will probably improve the quality of my life. These are useful skills for doctors to possess, and not all of them do. I am a huge fan and look forward to seeing Dr. Haag once a year to be pronounced not dead yet.
I know a few doctors personally, but there aren’t many of them I’d ever want to treat me.^ I’m very happy that I have a go-​to guy now that I believe I can trust if I ever need more intensive medical care.
* This is all completely untrue. I love doctors. Name another profession where you spend your entire career attempting to prevent an inevitability.** Yay doctors!
** I know, there are actually plenty of those. It sounded good when I first typed it.
*** You hear that, OBI? It is perfectly possible to draw blood from my arm without rooting around in there like a dog that smells bacon grease in the bottom of the trash can. Like many other members of my species, I have veins!
^ I was going to say «any of them» but it occurs to me it’s at least theoretically possible that one of them might read this review. So if it’s you, and you’re reading this, know that you’re a specialist I’d almost certainly never need in the first place, so no offense.