Goodhue County Jail

when did they start frying the cat food?
never mind your talkin about a different sandwich.
deliciouso…the krout makes the flav… yum yum

Hey – what can I say? The goodhue county jail wasn’t too shabby. I mean, I’d live there the rest of my life if I got to choose where to dwell if I were condemned to prison life. Ya know, the best part of it was the fact that I ended up knowing some guys who I used to work with at Subway. I come in through the cell block and immediately eye on eye was established. Oh, the birds sung like the gypsies: twee twee tweedee dee dee doo DOO!
That is not all. I mean, for having a bunch of felons, they were awfully nice. Like having a plethora of lawyers and counselors, I got legal advice from about 15 different inmates, all telling me the same thing while soothing my anxiety about the possibility of a becoming one of them. Whoever said felons don’t have a soft side?
You think this is all? Think not! I’ve got more: hell, there were cable tvs, your own shower, and get this – ping pong tables! Uh huh, yup, there is a GOD! Seriously, it was almost like a five-​star luxury hotel, except…
uh oh, you ready for this?
…the food lowered the score to a three. Oh mighty mother of GOD: the food was awful! Terrible! Repugnant! After being locked up, hungry, cold, exhausted within a holding cell the size of your fist, all that was delivered to appease the pangs of stomach hunger was a cup size of milk, a rotting orange, and a MOCK REUBEN. Did you hear me? A MOCK REUBEN. I have no idea what the hell was in this slop of garbage, but it certainly wasn’t the kind of Reuben Cecil makes. Nu-​uh. Nozeree. In fact, I’m quite surprised I managed to classify the little bastard. I think… now, don’t quote me, but there was ham, cheddar cheese, onion-​kraut? – or something like sour kraut, and uh, butter (instead of thousand island dressing), all slammed together into a funny-​looking, not pumpernickel, bread that was then pan fried to a burnt crisp!!! WTF?
Now, I could have given this place a three all food items considered. But, I have to slap another star on – why you ask? Well, let me tell you: the shampoo brand they gave to us was named ‘maximum security’! Who would have ever thought of a better shampoo brand to shove into the shower cell than that? It is as if they were inserting subliminal propaganda through advertising messages posted on the bottles they gave us, just to let us to know ‘that we are watching you, son!’ Genius, I say! Genius!
Now, you tell me this: who wouldn’t choose the Goodhue Country Jail for prison pleasure?