Clear Bright Headlight Restoration

I’d seen all the infomercials for spray-​on, wipe off «headlight restorer» products, so when I saw the Clear Bright Headlight Restoration tent set up in front of the Lowe’s/Sam’s Club complex in Timonium I chuckled to myself. I mean, why would I *pay* someone to remove the translucent haze from my headlights when Billy Mays’ zombie shrieked that I could do it all by my damn-​self?
So I did the logical thing and spent way too much money on three different kinds of wax-​on, wax-​off snake oil, and *still* my car looked like it had cataracts.
So back I went, hat in hand to the Clear Bright Headlight Restoration tent. The owner, a ridiculously nice guy whose name eludes me, explained the whole process to me. He explained that the milky cataracts obfuscating my headlight beams were the result of oxydation of the UV coating on the lens, and that it had to be removed, man– not simply washed! No silly off-​the-​shelf product is gonna remove THAT bad mojo, my friend. He described the sorry state of the headlights that are continually brought to him gouged, scratched and melted by those who bought drill-​mounted kits and attempted the feat themselves. He basically described the stupid shit I would do when left to my own devices, so I was sold.
I confess that I felt a little trepidation as I walked away. «Did I just hand the keys to my Mercedes to some guy in the Lowe’s parking lot?» I asked my wife. «Well, he *did* have a tent…»
But all was well, and after just an hour of whirring and buffing with an assortment of tips, pads and solutions my headlights looked new. No, really– they looked freakin’ new. Like, «how the hell was I driving at night before?» new. He explained how I can keep them looking that way, and he warrantied his work for 2 years. All in all, I was thoroughly and completely impressed.
The $ 99 it cost for him to de-​funk my dramatically befunked headlights was totally worth it, as it brought me from darkness into the light.