Vuvuzelas

I love the Vuvuzuela. It was so cool at the World Cup this past summer. Now on Jersey Shore they call it the Grenade Whistle, lol. It does get tiresome after a while though. When I say a while I mean like 8 mins in long enough. I could not hear this for an entire soccer game it would drive me nuts. If I had one right now though I would blow it too. Eff the neighbors.

There were dozens of lovely cicadas chirping along the C & O Canal towpath over the weekend. Standing at the east entrance to the Paw Paw Tunnel, I sadly registered these resonant glories of nature as mediocre imitations of the vuvuzela. Please let the month of July restore my perceptions to their original settings.

Worst thing that has happened to football ever, well outside of Maradona becoming a head coach. This is only adds fuel to fire of the football haters in this country but that’s OK we don’t need them as fans anyway.

So, true story, last year, me and Unilocalette ex were sitting around watching… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Ahem, me and her were watching the Confederations Cup Final (the warm-​up event to test South Africa’s infrastructure) against Brazil at her… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
And the score… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
The score… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
THE SCORE… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Anyway, the United States is winning 2 – 0 and we’re about… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
The crowd… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Ugh.
The crowd is CHANTING… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
U.S.A…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
U.S…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
U…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Grrr…they’re excited! The singing of the U.S. fans in South Africa is ama… BZZZZZZZZZZ!
The excitement is palpable at Unilocalette ex’s place even though she’s not a soccer fan. But something is wrong. She keeps looking around and her concentration on the TV is broken on occasion. She turns to me and asks… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Turns and asks, «what’s that noi… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Fuck it, the gaul damned vuvuzelas on the television were so loud she thought there was a bee in her condo! Sheesh.
Yeah, the whole experience was kind of like this review. These plastic tubes from Hades ruin what should be a great sporting event by drowning out the crowd noise and the chants that make soccer so special with a giant din of interruption. They should be banned from all stadiums. Hell, they should be banned from life. I really hope they don’t catch on in the United States after the annoyance they’ve caused at the World Cup.
They ruin everyth… BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Oh and history shows, we lost that match 3 – 2 on a Brazil comeback. This cost the United States its first major FIFA tournament title in history. I blame the vuvuzelas!

The Magic Unilocal Goat Likes Vuvuzelas. Or so I heard.

Ummm … hello … Vuvuzelas are a cheap and nonsurgical way to get Angelina Jolie lips! I’m told blowing on one for an extended period of time can basically make your lips swell to twice their normal size. Whoa!
Ladies, voluptuous lips for like $ 2.50 = no brainer. Gents, don’t lie, you know you love a woman with big lips.
Bottom line … win for all.