The McRib

Since moving from Miami I haven’t exactly been successful with the ladies. NYC girls are approachable enough but somehow I keep talking my way out of good situations. I might be too intense when subtlety is the name of the game, or maybe I’m being persecuted for the sins of my heartbreaking Dominican brethren. Either way it puts me in a depechey mode and there’s only one way to fix that –
BBQ is like chocolate for men.
Carolina smokehouse joints aren’t exactly the norm in the Big Apple so what do I do when questioning my craving for 6″ of southern hospitality… the McRib answers! McDonald’s most elusive sandwich substitutes for spare ribs like heavy petting substitutes for sweet-​sweet love but it’s a start. My major dilemma is that it’s not as popular here as in Florida or Germany where it’s permanently on the menu because of its resemblance to leberkäse (livercheese).
Endorphins surge through my body as I take the first bite and realize, I don’t know what’s going on in my mouth. With 70 ingredients in the hoagie bun, onions, pickles, BBQ sauce and the legendary patty I started to wonder about its secret recipe. I believe The Cribs were strumming and humming relationship advice in «Girls Like Mystery» but I don’t. So I interview the inventor of the process that makes the distinctive ribless rib, University of Nebraska Professor Richard Mandigo, PhD –
Me, «Your name is Dr. Dick Mandingo, are you aware that is the best unintentional porn name ever?»
RM, «Thank you but food engineering keeps me much too busy to even consider a part-​time job. I thought we were going to talk reconstructed meat products?»
The honorable doctor later divulged that it’s essentially a meatball made from blended offal cooked in brine but McDonald’s claims it’s made with pork shoulder. I don’t know which is true but after much investigative reporting I discovered the meat is harvested from –
The Sméagol-​like creature called a Bommel from Yeasayer’s Madder Red video. Mystery meat solved.
Some anticipate the arrival of Fall for pumpkin, others Winter for peppermint, but I suffer all year-​long waiting for the unannounced McRib season to start… until now. Charles Xavier may have Cerebro and Aquaman his sonar but I have something that gives me an almost superhuman ability to find a McRib –
I don’t know if that’s a good thing though. A few hours later when I find it completely intact flying around my bathroom, I’ll wonder if I really chewed that little miracle at all.