Hotel Settentrionale Esplanade

Let’s call this place out for what it is, a concession, a markdown, a compromise. For those selecting Montecatini as a destination, Settentrionale Esplanade is already only average. As for those forced here as part of a tour package, get ready for disappointment. Like a Michael Bay movie, outside of the pretty sunset and attractive passing women, there’s very little inside. In order to explain this, I need to copy/​paste part of my review of a recent Tuscan farm dinner.
«My summary review of Montecatini is that it’s where you go when you can’t afford Florence. That’s the unfortunate truth about this leg in my tour with Globus. If you don’t opt for the «Tuscan Farm Dinner», you’re stuck in a boring town, one parading as something worthy of visit. You have few places to go, and the interesting bits are a ways walk.
«On the first day, you have an option to take an evening at a Tuscan farm. This farm is located in another town, Montecarlo (no, not that one). On the second day, you spend most of it in Florence. This may lead you to wonder, as I did, if you spent the majority of your time outside of Montecatini, why on Earth would you stay in it? Good question. I wouldn’t be making such a big deal out of it if our hotel had one of those wormhole machines from Contact – you leave for Montecarlo, spend the day, and return seconds after you leave. And that would be a proper use of an anomalous hypothetical warping of space-​time, thank you very much. Visiting alien worlds? Pfffft! Let me save a day traveling around Tuscany!
«Our tour took us past Florence from Rome to stay in Montecatini, we then drove to Montecarlo and back on the same day. Then we drove back to Rome to stay the day in Florence, passing over the same road thrice (that’s «thrice»). And as you might have guessed, the day after, we drove over the same road a fourth time (quarce?) on the way to Venice. Why not just stay in Florence and then drive to Venice? Globus wastes your time to save money on a hotel.»
And the Settentrionale Esplanade is not a great hotel. It looks pretty, with an impressive lobby edged by the most confusing bathrooms I’ve ever seen. The women’s entrance is an automated door leading to three doors while the men’s washroom is not only unlabeled, but also unlit. Lights come on automatically as you walk half way down a dark hallway, and when you go into a stall, they turn off again. These two bathrooms look completely different and are located in different parts of the building. The women’s washroom was easy to spot, and looks «almost» updated. But finding one offers no evidence on the other, and the men’s appear pulled from the 1970s’.
I should also note that the Settentrionale Esplanade is two buildings, so after checking from one, you have to exit where you came from and walk across the street. Ours was miniscule, with a hidden (I mean hidden) closet and bed so short, my legs stuck out over the edge by a clear foot (the bed has a high footer, so good luck stretching out). Granted it was the only hotel we visited with a balcony, offering an impressive view of the other half of the hotel. And there was no functioning air conditioning. Just so people know, many Italian hotels turn off their A/​C in October because of expected temperature drops. Thanks to climate change, that’s no longer happening. Plus, I’m Canadian, meaning as Italians are walking around in three layers, I’m sweating like Richard Simmons after Olivia Newton John’s «Let’s Get Physical». There are no decent shops nearby, with a depressing adjacent exhibition more fitting for Chernobyl. There are a few parks nearby but after an hour, you realize that this hotel is basically located nowhere near where you may want to go. So if there are places to visit in Montecatini, I couldn’t find them.
Finally, the restaurant. As part of the Globus tour, there was an included meal on the second day. The options included lasagna in meat sauce, pasta in scarpara sauce, meat in pizzaiola style, chicken breast with lemon and concluding with a millefoglie café. I ended up having the salad, lasagna and beef. The salad was boring, the lasagna greasy, and the meat leather with a disgusting sauce and fringed with plain peas. I got three bites into the final meat dish and pushed it aside. I already have a weight problem and will not waist caloric overfill on that. The Settentrionale Esplanade is the unfortunate result of kickbacks and we have to suffer for it. Comprised build quality and compromised food. I don’t care about the authentic nature of its presentation, I’d just rather be in Florence now.
Food: ²⁄₅
Service: ³⁄₅
Presentation: ²⁄₅
Value: –/​5
Recommendation: 2.5÷5

From the outside Hotel Settentrionale Esplanade is picturesque. The property is separated into two buildings with a large stone patio out front, a nicely sized pool in back and lovely views of Montecatini.
Inside, the hotel seems to be going through a bit of transition (pretty sure they were doing some construction to the hotel while we were there…). The lobby features a large circular desk and several seating areas with super comfy couches. Just off the main room is the dining room and a lounge with a bar. The lounge features a little bit of a different style… more ornate than comfy but still plenty of spots to sit, maybe catch up on emails* and enjoy a bottle of wine.**
Our room was situated in their 2^nd building on the first floor. And to say «it was small» would be a major understatement. The room was about 9’x10’ and included a double bed, armoire and desk with refrigerator underneath. We only stayed for 2 nights but those two nights were rough. The bed was comfortable enough, but being located at the end of the hallway near the stairs and exit door we heard every one who came in the building. We also couldn’t figure out how to adjust the air conditioning. After pressing every button on the thermostat we figured we would just open the window… but our room opened up onto a garden and a flurry of bugs. Ugh. We weren’t the only ones who couldn’t work the AC… a lot of our tour mates were stuck in stuffy rooms.
Our bathroom was also something special. The room was soooooo small it was hard to function, especially for my 6’5″ hubs. :-/​
Granted, if you’re visiting Italy, you’re probably not spending a lot of time in your room. So this place would be just fine for those folks out enjoying the Tuscany region and looking for a nice hotel to sleep in. If possible though — request a room in the main building!
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* Free WiFi (password available in the lobby)
** Bottles of red and white available for about € 8 each