Panhandlers

Panhandlers are like SXSW promoters. They exist solely to scam money off of hipsters from California who don’t remember when the motels on SOCO were hourly rentals instead of «boutique hotels.»
SXSW promoters satisfy the need for hipsters to feel «trendy» and ‘aware” of the latest music. Panhandlers know that hipsters are prone to give a couple of bucks to assauge their liberal guilt.

Hmmm, this is an interesting category.
In my own special world, panhandlers are exactly like Unilocalers. I seriously have an attention span of just about ten seconds (in Unilocal-​speak, I read your reviews quickly) and I pretty much know by that time whether I’m impressed or not. It’s all in the presentation.
Most panhandlers get by with the standard platitudes: «Please like me. This restaurant is yummy! God Bless You!» Some panhandlers live for that chip-​on-​the-​shoulder aggressive stare-​down: «YOU FUCKERS SUCK! WHERE’S MY FUCKING SLICE OF THE PIE? GO FUCK YOURSELVES!» And really, you’ve been extended at this corner for two more weeks? That’s amazing.
But I always, always admire panhandlers who put some thought into their chosen pursuit. No, I don’t want my windshield cleaned, but I will acknowledge you, I will thank you, and I damn well will give you a dollar for putting yourself out there. Seriously, it’s a different era for all of us, exactly what am I getting from this brief interaction with you? Make me laugh, sell me a flower, do something; I’d rather buy your bandana-​wearing dog some frigging water, instead of just handing you money. I once gave a guy $ 10 because he whipped up a rap about my car out of nowhere — it wasn’t that great of a rap, but it was creative as hell.
I don’t question why some people stand on corners waiting to be given something, while others want to write about where they’ve eaten lately — if that’s what works for you, go for it. But if you want to engage me in this particular endeavor of yours, just don’t be half-​assed about it: Make it substantial for both of us, and I’ll be first to acknowledge your moment.