Express

So, Express is not my go-​to store. For anything. I’m just a smidge too old to be shopping there, but I had hit every other store in the mall and I couldn’t find what I was looking for, so, knowing the kinds of clothing they sell, this was my last resort. I looked all over the front of the store and couldn’t find it. Damn! I guess I’m going to the MAM ball without a sweater. :(
I walked around the corner and into the clearance section. BAM! There it was, a silver cardigan-​type sweater! Size medium. Double damn. Tried it on, for sh*ts and giggles and WOO HOO! It fit! Off to the register…
Moral of the story… when you can’t find that sparkly piece of clothing that you need and probably will wear only once in a blue moon, hit Express. Odds are, they’ll have it!
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Wow, I certainly came at the perfect time! 30% off dresses! I literally have 1 dress because frankly I never seem to have a need for them. But after going to several professional outings, and never being able to find the right dress when the time is near, I’ve been led me to Express to peruse for the perfect ensemble while I have the time to look.
I ended up buying 4 dresses and originally I was only going to buy 2, but one of the sales people told me to check online for a coupon and that I could use it on my purchase today. All the sales people were really helpful and professional, and thanks to Mr. Coupon I left very satisfied with 4 dresses instead of 2.
Pretty much one can never go wrong with dresses and jeans from here. I’ve had tops in the past, and while most are pretty and well made, I’m not a fan of their regular tees, they fit really awkwardly. I will definitely be back, maybe even later today, because I do need a new pair of jeans too.

GOOFY PANTS
Actually, I LOVE the pants at Express, in spite of the «goofy NAMES» Express assigns their pant styles. With names like «The Producer» and «The Photographer», I feel like I should be directing a porn flick in a back alley somewhere. But the ridiculous names aside, these pants fit perfectly. They are athletic cuts, with plenty of room in the back for us guys that have something back there. I hate nothing more than pants that are cut in such a way to accommodate missing asses. Are there that many guys out there with flat butts?
THE SALES…
An endless rotation of the same sale. $ 30 off $ 90, $ 50 off $ 150. Some of the sales allow you to use the coupon on clearance merchandise, while at other times they don’t. It’s hit or miss. Get on their mailing list and you’ll get coupons in the mail, you’ll get coupons via email, you’ll get coupons via text messages. It’s borderline annoying, actually. It’s like I’m being «stalked» by Express!
THE BINS…
Clearance bins, that is. Black boxes with bold yellow signage. Don’t ever buy anything at full price at this store. Wait a couple weeks after the new style is released and fish it out of the bargain bins.
THE «BOY“COTT…STOP THE PRODUCTION OF «SCOOP NECK T’s» FOR MEN!
Seriously! Whoever designed this garment should be immediately sentenced to the electric chair for a swift, but merciless, execution! This ass-​ugly thing has been plaguing clothing racks across the globe. For those of you who are not familiar, this thing fits like a woman’s bodice and features this huge cut-​out neck that spans just below the pecs and «swoops» down to almost the belly button. When a guy puts one of these on, the guy wearing it looks like he once had female cleavage, but at some point had a mastectomy. It’s not a case of missing persons, but rather «missing portions.» Look in the mirror… it’s a man… it’s a woman… it’s a man-​woman! It’s ugly and it needs to go away!
QUALITY ISSUES… DISAPPEARING INK
Express generally speaking has some pretty decent designs. But save your receipts, because the fabrics they use sometimes have quality issues. Case in point, this summer I purchased their stretch polo shirts with contrasting plackets, in every color. After one or two washings, the color of the shirts «disappeared» around the necks! The associates were more than cheerful about taking them back. I first tried exchanging them because I loved the shirts, but after five attempts I threw in the towel and got a refund.
THE DESIGNS…
Damn nice! I’ll give their «Design Studio» (their words, not mine) some credit for bringing relevant fashion trends to the public, at an affordable price. Their more expensive pieces are around $ 50, and they are generally cut with an athletic flair to them. That is, «V-​shaped» or tapered. Where they could improve, in my opinion, is their $ 29 and $ 39 T-​shirts. The fabrics are not as expensive as say a Hugo Boss Egyptian Cotton T that can be purchased around the same price when they go on sale. And the cut is square at the bottom. Not flattering if you’re shorter like I am. I work out so that I’ve got a shape, so I don’t appreciate something that «flairs out» like the bottom of a celery stalk at the waistline, has «madame butterfly» armpits paired with tight armholes, and cuts off circulation at my chest.
Thankfully, Express stays current. Gone (thankfully) are the lion-​emlazoned shirts with gothic crosses and tons of pointless embroidery!
This year it’s all about architecture, and specifically iconic New York buildings and themes. Okay, I’ll bite.
SUMMARY…
A good start for affordable, trend-​directed fashion. Choose a few of the Design Studio pieces to fill in holes in your wardrobe. Their dress pants are decent, and basic. And they hold up well to frequent wearing. A few quality issues, room for improvement on their T-​shirts, and they need to re-​formulate their stinky signature cologne that reeks of generic Avon Black Suede.
FOUR «Damn Nice» stars for Express. The fashion-​forward clothing store known for bringing affordable design to the marketplace, and for giving their pants names that would make Bob Guccione proud!