Summer in Newport Beach

Bake until crispy!
That’s my motto when I come to Newport with Bodie. Unfortunately this summer has been a bit on the cooler side, thus saving me from future skin cancer. I love this beach though. The people are awesome, the dogs are usually nice, and people do pick up after themselves.

The Four Seasons pass (no, not the hotel, the actual seasons) and in a place like Newport Beach, the changes are subtle enough to make seem as if we are all living one eternal, glorious, endless summer.

It’s nice to take a few moments to notice those nuances and acknowledge what the happy accident of axial precession and orbital perturbation imparted by… something (asteroids, gravimetric shifts, tectonic plate movement, something)…on our planet eons ago, has done for us!
Whatever happened, it created «Summer».
Thanks Space Rock!
While I truly enjoyed my summers in Scottsdale, in my new home here on the left coast, I feel more «at home» and happier than anywhere that I have ever dwelt!
Summertime in NPB has taken that feeling and turned it up to 11!
Summers in Newport Beach are sublime… no other word for it, really!
But that’s a subjective measure, I realize… and as we all know, one man’s ceiling is another man’s floor, so your opinion might differ from mine (although it would be wrong of you to differ).
I thought to myself, «Donald, why not bring some objectivity to this very ethereal review?»…then I had to look up «ethereal» and make sure that I knew what I was saying!
So, sure, let’s bring some science to bear on this issue… sort the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.
I wrote about the Summers in Scottsdale a while back, so I’m completely qualified (as far as you know) to compare and contrast the summers in NPB, with those I experienced in Scottsdale for several years and pronounce a winner:
* Scottsdale — Enormous, mile high «Haboob’s» (you’ll have to look them up) that awe you with their power and majesty, as they close in on you at 50 – 60 mph.
* NPB — Enormous «Fake Boobs» that awe you with their power and majesty as they close in on you at, well, the velocity is undetermined, but those bad girls can close the gap pretty quickly when they want to!
o EDGE — NPB
* Scottsdale — Literally (figuratively speaking), millions of trust fund babies covered in Affliction, Ed Hardy, Prada, Nina Ricci and Dolce & Gabbana, sweating in line in 100 degree heat at 11:30 at night, at mediocre clubs for the privilege of impressing their friends by paying $ 1,000 for «bottle service».
* NPB — Literally (figuratively speaking, again), millions of rich white folks covered in Tommy Bahama, Nautica, Prada, Nina Ricci and Dolce & Gabbana, queued up in their Duffy’s, waiting for the transient dock at Woody’s to open up so they can have lunch brought to the boat.
o EDGE — NPB
* Scottsdale — Nearly free golf in the summer… in fact some courses will almost pay you to come play (and give you a free set of oven mitts so you can actually handle the clubs in 118 degree weather)

* NPB — Free beaches (well, at least if you ride your bike… otherwise, you’ll pay plenty to park the Maserati and hope like hell that Trevor and his bro’s don’t use it for a surf board stand while they change into their half suits in the parking lot)
o EDGE — Jump Ball
* NPB — Thousands of places to grab a pretty decent bite, with a local emphasis in many of their menus (seafood, fresh local organic fruits and vegetables)

* Scottsdale — Thousands of places to grab a pretty decent bite, with an emphasis on Southwestern and Sonoran cuisines
o EDGE — Once again, too close to call
* NPB — Fake real drama from the «Really Real Housewives of OC»
* Scottsdale — Fake dramatic real police work from the «Maricopa County Shurriff»
o EDGE — I gotta give this one to Joe and the crew at MCSO… they’re hilarious!
Well, I could go on and on (and I often do), but in the main, I think you can see that NPB comes out on top by any measure (both objective and subjective) as one of the best places in the country to spend your summer!
Get out of the house, get on down to the beach, pack a picnic or grab a burger at TK’s and enjoy your NPB summer!
You earned it!
Unless, of course, you have the trust fund thing going on… then you probably didn’t earn it… but enjoy yourself anyway.