Pretzel Time

–Jetta is a real Pretzel Time customer. Not a paid celebrity. So to help tell her story, we hired a celebrity. Well, sorta.-
JETTA
I had just walked out of the Spencer’s in the mall with a brand new purse. Bright pink and red. Playboy bunny on it. So cute. I was walking back to my car, and suddenly, I felt really hungry.
SWEDISH CHEF
Vhet zee foock’s a Pleybuy Boonny? I dun’t troost a rebbeet I cun’t poot in a stoo.
JETTA
So I stopped by the Pretzel Time near the JC Penny. Or was it Sears? Oh man, I can’t remember now.
SWEDISH CHEF
Vhy zee hell em I ifee here-​a? I ves oon Zee Mooppet Shoo, demn it! I dun’t need thees!
JETTA
I got a regular salted pretzel, a sprite, and some cheddar cheese dipping sauce for about three bucks. Oh my god, the pretzel was to die for. It was so chewy. The cheese dip was heavenly. Like sharp velvet.
SWEDISH CHEF
Ectooelly, noo thet yuoo menshun it, a pretzel dues suoond pretty guud reeght ebuoot noo. Boot I leeke-​a meene-​a veet moosterd. Oor leengunberries. Um gesh dee bork, bork! In Svedee, ve-​a poot leengunberries oon iferytheeng! Yuoo’fe-a beee tu IKEA. Yuoo knoo vhet I’m telkeeng ebuoot. Um de hur de hur de hur.
JETTA
And pretzels are way perfect for carrying around while you keep shopping. It’s like, the ultimate edible accessory. Except maybe flavored lip gloss. Or those Hello Kitty mints that came with the first purse I ever got. Oh my god, are we still recording? I got way off track. I’m so sorry.
SWEDISH CHEF
I vunt a pretzel noo. Cun sumeune-​a geefe-​a me-​a a reede-​a tu zee mell?
JETTA
Not if you don’t say it.
SWEDISH CHEF
–Seegh– Bork bork bork… ere-​a yuoo heppy noo?
JETTA
Yes. I am sufficiently pleased with your suffering.