New Year’s Resolutions

Ah, the start of the year.
It’s time to get back in shape and to try to fu– up less than last year.
Here are some resolutions that I may or may not keep:
I will stop saying mother — — .
(Sigh. My neighbor’s dogs have been barking for an hour now. Shut up, mother — — -.)
I will stop getting slapped by women.
My cheeks need a break.
I will exercise 25 hours a day.
Oh, that’s not possible?
Forget it, then.
I vow not to get robbed in Detroit again.
(I just realized that I’ve never been there.
I guess that takes care of that too.)
I will get my finances in shape.
They’re on a low carb diet now. o_​O
I will pay off my credit cards.
I will also stop buying Hello Kitty dolls.
I will smile more often, especially when I’m stealing the items that I should have got for Christmas. [Thumbs Up]
I will let my wife cook more often.
That way, I will be sure to eat a lot less.
I will buy a more comfortable couch to sleep on.
I will be more positive.
«I am positive that he’s dumb as hell.»
«I am positive that the mirror didn’t crack because of my face. No, not this time.»
I will not watch so much porn.
I will go to more strip clubs instead.
I will call my grandfather more often.
He’s dead, and so it might be tricky, but I’m determined.
I will only eat donuts every other day.
I will stop wearing wife beaters.
I’m tired of appearing on Cops.
I will learn how to read.
Learning how to wite wll cim ltr.
I will remain thankful for all of my wonderful friends.
«Shoot, why did you have to get all sentimental on me?»
I will have sex more often.
No, I’ve been married a long time. Who am I kidding?
I will look away when my wife glares at me, but stare lovingly into her eyes when I’m about to ask for some money.
I will end this here before I put you to sleep.
Thanks for reading!
Happy New Year!