Golden Corral

The food is good if you can get around all the rude shawnee patrons. Have you ever seen a salad bar get intimidated? The meat and potato area is as packed as a line for a Star Wars movie. Plenty of fruit and fresh veggies left over here.

This Fourth Of July I fell for the siren song, nay cattle call, of the Golden Corral… It all started when I realized that it was a) The Fourth b) I had no plans c) My girl was coming over for some kind of celebration and d) I was too comatose from watching an ID Channel marathon all day to do a barbecue I had promised. Panicking, I quickly realized I had to do something — and quickly!
Thankfully, as I lay there in bed all day my muscles eating themselves with hunger and atrophy, I saw countless commercials for the Golden Corral. It looked so festive, fun and scrumptious that I thought it would be a fine substitute for my barbecue and general lack of planning. Oh how wrong I was.
After a bit of convincing, my date was on board to be spotted at the smörgåsbord sprinting for seconds at the local Golden Corral! So, off we went with fireworks in our heads dreaming of the amazing grazing we were about to do… oh boy…
Upon entering, I was happy to see several signs proudly proclaiming that none of the food on the premises was prepared in a microwave! No reheated TV style dinners at this smörgåsbord, no sir! Truth be told, a microwaved dinner would have been better, and easier on the calorie content than the copious cardboard tasting «food» that we had. Other signs stated that everything was home cooked on the premises! I was beginning to get excited thinking of the home cooked wonders that awaited us.
I will say the olé Golden Corral is a bit pricy…$ 34.00 for two (including drinks) but it must cost a fortune to keep such handcrafted, homemade food hot and ready at all times, right? So, actually that would be a bargain… if it weren’t for the false claims made by the Golden Corral. If this is homemade food then I can lay claim to cook just as good as Paula Deen. Oh wait, scratch that. On second thought, maybe she can revitalize her career as a chef for Golden Corral. Thank me later Paula.
The Golden Corral really does have about everything you can think of, and quite a bit you wished you never had. From (imitation) crab salad, to shrimp, steak, tacos, pizza, mac and cheese, mashed potato flakes (homemade no doubt), and a desert bar complete with a chocolate fountain, there’s a bit of everything. But it is nothing if not bland. I really couldn’t distinguish the mac and cheese from the popcorn shrimp to the steak. I mean, it had the consistency of the items in question but it was all just so bland — and why was I even eating pizza with a dab of macaroni and cheese? Because damnit I could and I was going to get my money’s worth! I truly had no shame and went back for seconds — and egads, even thirds! I was just eating to be eating at this point — I had no shame. My demure date had quit after just a taste and quietly shook her head in disgust as I ate my way around the world, feeling as if I were in Italy in one instance and Mexico the next! I was truly a world traveler with my plate. Nearing exhaustion and a dreadful feeling of fullness I feared my «travels» would also give me a much feared case of Montezuma’s Revenge so I lay my plate down. Defeated, a lone tear adorning my face.
After seeing the clientele I really think that their claims of no microwaves is just a nice way of letting patrons who have pacemakers — and I would venture a guess that it is in excess of 90 percent or more — be aware that they can eat here without fear of an arrhythmia. And, I hate to say this, but the Golden Corral attracts a very large crowd, not only in numbers, but in size. I don’t think I’ve spotted so many people with failing hearts, diabetes and other obesity related issues in one location. Richard Simmons would have a field day here! It is sad in a way, but also heartwarming in that I now know what it feels like to be the belle of the ball. All eyes upon me and my svelte date looking absolutely amazing, and dare I say it; glowing with health and «ripped.» I wanted to go shirtless to fill my plate so all eyes would follow my «perfect» body (in comparison) as I sampled the delicacies but not only does that violate decorum but also no doubt a health code so I refrained.
All in all, the Golden Corral is truly a blight on society… the food is mediocre at best and it is almost obscene in the face of world hunger. Upon leaving I had stomach pangs and pangs of guilt that I engorged myself in such excess that I almost needed a Hoveround or Jazzy in order to exit the building. Thankfully, I saw quite a few of both stripes there. I was admonished from catching a ride back to the car on one from my date…
I propose a new website to compete with The People Of Walmart, but (you guessed it) The People Of Golden Corral. Unfortunately, I would be prominently featured. And, before anyone runs me over with a Jazzy for making observations in such poor taste, just know I’m trying to make jokes over here. Can’t we all get along? Now I feel bad. Maybe I’ll eat my emotions away at the Golden Corral.