Robert Young Federal Building

The Robert A Young Building Survival Guide
Welcome to the RAY Building, one of the federal government’s premier places to work! Here are some helpful tips to help make your transition a little easier.
1. Don’t let appearances fool you. Although the RAY Building appears to be a 20 story skyscraper, the top 10 floors are occupied only by rats and ghosts.
2. Another interesting feature of the RAY Building is that it has been specially designed with a pillar every 8 feet. You’ll build agility as you slalom around the building all day. And you’ll need to be agile if you want to catch the elevator.
3. Head on a swivel, weight on the balls of your feet, take a deep breath, and hit the up button. Indiana Jones would have a tough time catching an elevator in the RAY Building. They spontaneously pop open without warning and then snap shut like a bear trap. And don’t even think about reaching back for your hat Dr. Jones, unlike most elevators, the RAY Building’s elevator doors will close on your arm, leg, or anything else that you foolishly stick between them. As one RAY building tenant put it after nearly losing her arm, «It’s a chopper!»
4. You’ll work up quite the appetite chasing elevators and dodging pillars all day, but don’t expect to get lunch here. Our cafeteria has been shut down for the last 6 weeks due to health code violations. But even if we do get the cafeteria up and running again, you’ll still probably want to brown bag it. The RAY building only awards the cafeteria contract to the most sinister, predatory companies they can find. The last contractor utilized a pay-​by-​weight plan. There’s nothing like the thrill of stepping up to pay for your lunch and not knowing if it’s going to cost $ 5 or $ 15. $ 13 salad? Yeah, we got that.
5. Did you know that St. Louis’ favorite son Nelly was inspired to write the song «Hot in Herre» after a visit to the RAY Building? It’s true. Although federal standards call for summer temperatures in federal buildings to be between 71 and 76 degrees, with more humid areas (like St. Louis) being toward the bottom of the spectrum, the RAY Building managers keep it just under 80 in the summer. And then when winter comes, they crank up the heat. Don’t bother complaining about it either, they’ll just tell you you’re crazy.
I hope this guide enhances your unnecessarily miserable, frustrating time at the RAY Building.