DCRA

We are doing some cosmetic work to our basement. We have nosy neighbors so we decided to obtain the proper permits.
This place is hell on earth and the definition of government bureaucracy and people who shouldn’t even be employed. After waiting for over an hour to have someone in «structural» sign off I was chided by the structural man for not saying good morning. I had said hello when I first sat down. He asked me why I didn’t ask him how he’s doing. I told him that I’m simply in a hurry and my elderly mother is waiting for me. Keep in mind this is all for having this man from structural sign off on work that is 100 percent cosmetic. I’m not doing anything structural to my home. They simply require everyone to have a structural sign off regardless of the work. Insane.
I finally get signed off by the crazy and move onto issuance. I think I’m home free. Nope. I’m told to head to the cashier and then return for the permit. I go to the cashier and I’m not kidding there are 30 people in line. The line is 30 deep and not moving. Unreal.
Make sure you’ve reserved the entire day for this place. I’m still glad I came myself. One of the estimates we received had a permit fee of over 3k. I know you can pay thousands to have someone come here for you. The total cost for today’s visit is 80 dollars. They want to intimidate you and make you feel like you can’t do this on your own.

My original impression of DCRA was what I thought was my first real-​life encounter with a True Neutral entity. They didn’t seem to care about what was technically safe/​unsafe, etc., they just wanted to make sure everyone followed every rule, regardless of how dumb, expensive, useful, or critical the rule was.
Then, as I became more and more painfully familiar with the creature that is the DCRA, I was forced to revise my assesment. DCRA isn’t Lawful Neutral but rather Lawful Evil, and deeply so.
That 30 minute electrical project that costs $ 15 and requires ½ a page in a DIY manual to explain? That’s going to need 2 permits and master electrician. You’re looking at $ 500+ in fees and weeks of delay if you want to do it legally.
Replacing your kitchen sink? Same deal. Sure, the entire process can be correctly explained by a 12-​year-​old on youtube, but if you want to keep it legal at the DCRA, you’re going to need the signature of a master plumber… someone bonded for $ 1,000’s of dollars, who knows enough about plumbing to assemble all the drains in an office building.
Sure, the above might sound just like Lawful Neutral, but that’s why I ended up thinking that, too! Here’s the catch:
There are professional permit expediters in DC. For the layman, that’s code for «corruption.» Sure, you can try to get the permits yourself. You can even hire an engineer or architect… but that could still take months. I’m personally 9 months into such a situation myself. If what you really need is a permit, and a permit quickly, what you need to do is give some shady dude a wad of cash, say $ 1,000 per permit, and you’ll have them the very next business day. I don’t know where the money goes or how it works, but trust me… it works… and THAT is what makes DCRA Lawful Evil.
Trying to do things the «right» way at DCRA will get you brutally screwed over. They will turn a simple, sub-​$ 100 weekend project into a multi-​month endeavor. They will lose paperwork. They will give you a list of things you need to do. Upon completion of that list, someone else will review THE SAME APPLICATION and have a completely different to-​do list for you. I don’t even want to get into the hassles related to doing an actual renovation, but put simply, it’s making me reconsider whether I even want to be a DC resident.
PS, if there’s any good path for fraud or corruption reporting, I’ve got some real zingers, complete with paper trails. (hint: The DC fraud line doesn’t seem to do anything.)
EDIT:
I too was forced to get a scaffolding permit for a job that did not require scaffolding. It looks like I’m not the only Unilocaler to have

My rating is based on one man, by the name of Joe Bembry, without whom this process would have been even more of a nightmare. I somehow managed to luck out from day one and he shepherded me through the maze of booby-​trapped bureaucracy and probably saved me several months. Even so, it took six months to get the permit (we had to take a pointless detour through the Board of Zoning Adjustment. Which has a backlog, requires thirty pieces of documentation, each of which require several subprocesses –like posting signs, getting the attention of your ANC (this saga alone could be many paragraphs,) obtaining the addresses of all neighbors in a 200-​foot radius, — plus the BZA doesn’t convene at all in the summer months. I’m describing the «expedited» option, by the way.) Everyone was nice, (thanks, Nykia Barnes!) but wow, what a fragmented process, very Alice in Wonderland at times. There were certain departments that definitely seemed worse than others, (sorry, Structural) and Joe was able to use charm and advocate. When Zoning tried to arbitrarily turn calendar days to working days and delay us another week, he helped me find that guy’s boss. Seriously: UNDYING GRATITUDE. He wouldn’t accept the bottle of champagne I brought him, too ethical — but it was very well deserved.
DCRA… I don’t think the people are bad, but the bureaucracy is ridiculous. I am pro-​regulation. if you’ve been in a city without it you will be too. But this was gratuitous hoop-​jumping. And you pay them 1700 for this, just to expand your sunroom. I pray I never need another permit. What a city.