Funxion

When you attempt to obliterate your mind into an empty black vacuum, you should always take the option of sugar-​free, dietitian-​approved cocktails spiked with pondweed. And kombucha (or, as I sometimes like to think of it, tea with a yeast infection).
The most important thing to remember, after all, is that the nastiest side effect of binge-​drinking isn’t liver or brain damage but, rather, fatness. My liver may be an engorged mass of fat and scar tissue but at least I look good and will make an excellent pâté, goddammit.
I don’t know what you would be doing in deserted, soul-​sucking downtown DC of an evening, or why you would want to ruin your alcohol with algae at Funxion, but whatever you think you’re doing, stop it.

First, I should note that I visited the place when it was «Funxion», not when it was «Dysfunxion» so I can’t comment on the bar scene.
I pretty much did the exact same thing that a below reviewer (Sara W.) did (and I echo her comments too): I got a Groupon and I bought the bison burger. I haven’t ever had bison, so it was fun trying it out, but come on, just because you are a health conscious restaurant doesn’t mean you have to serve me a meal portion fit for a kid’s menu. I was still VERY hungry after buying my $ 8 burger ($ 8? Really?).
The staff was friendly, but had a lot of trouble processing my Groupon because I printed it out. Apparently they can only redeem Groupon certificates electronically???
All in all, if I hadn’t gotten a Groupon deal, I would have been thoroughly disappointed by my meager meal. Judging this restaurant solely on the food itself, I would give Funxion/​Dysfunxion 2 stars, but given the staff’s over-​and-​above willingness to help claim my Groupon, I’ll give this place a 3.

Maybe Californian sandwiches are different on this coast, but I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t be this bad.
So, I just flew in to DC last night and by the time I was settled all the food joints were closed. I was starving! So i went on a little journey for food near my hotel and i came across this cute little place and thought… Healthy…(this place apparently praises itself for nutritionally balanced food and drinks) Okay… I’m not in a pub food kinda mood so… Let’s go for it. I asked the worker if she had tried the californian sandwich only to find that the girl couldn’t give me any input on the menu as she admitted, it was her first day. But she did say someone just had one and they said they liked it. So I went ahead and ordered it to go along with the cucumber salad side.
When I finally got back to the hotel to eat my food I was extremely disappointed when i found a dry wheat bread with no condiments, no avocado (how is it a Californian sandwich if there’s no avocado!!!)
Being a Cali native I have consumed many «Californian» sandwiches perhaps I was expecting too much. I got some tasteless dry chicken, topped with black beans, an onion slice and a tomato. Awful! The décor was nice and cucumber salad was edible at least and for that i will give one star and I did eat that– possibly because I had no other choice for food as I couldn’t eat the so called Californian sandwich.
My experience here was so bad it prompted me to write my first Unilocal review.

After two visits I can safely say this is the worst service I’ve ever encountered. That’s not hyperbole — 31 years and this is bottom of the barrel. Examples I will warn you with:
We were seated and waited 25 minutes. No server came to the table. I went to the server stand and asked -«oh, I’m your server, i’ll come right by,» she said. Nope. More minutes went by. No water, no drinks. Finally I wrote down all the orders MYSELF and took it to the server stand. An embarrassed waitress accepted them and eventually the food came out… except one at a time, because the server wouldn’t carry more than one player at a time and no one helped her.
Simply put, it was atrocious. Seriously terrible. The guys at the next table kept flagging her down and she was deliberately avoiding them. The family that came after them asked for water… as we left, I saw the water put in a side table, out of sight, forgotten completely.
The sad part is that the food is solid. The drinks are ok, vastly overpriced for their size and liquor content. The service makes you want to murder all the staff. This is isn’t just in the running for worst service in DC, but anywhere.
You have been warned. Avoid this place at all costs.

I only know of this place because of the events that Adrienne @socialmediadc was having during HH. Other wise I probably wouldn’t have known it existed in the first place. The service isn’t that great and the last event was handled so poorly by the NEW manager that I’m certain to make sure no one else has a local event there.
To all my fellow dc event organizers please don’t do your after, before or during socializing portion of your event here. You will be disappointed and I surely won’t be coming.

I like that a place like Funxion exists. Their food is healthy and also flavorful. I usually stick with a wrap or salad. Their guacamole is really good.
I also like the atmosphere of the restaurant… funky and modern.
The service is AWFUL. I’ve never had a good experience with the service. Even though I like the food, the service usually can outweight that.

It’s kind of weird that you can see the kitchen and it serves lunch during the day but then tries to be a club at night. So, the vibe is a little off to me. We went on a Saturday night and they were struggling to keep people in the door.
I really like the concept of healthy living and keeping your social life alive with lo-​cal drinks. However, it’s just not really working at Funxion. They are trying, but they also serve a whole bunch of «not so great
things as well. So, all-​in-​all I think they need to get an identity and stick with it. It’s too confusing and not pulling in the right crowd.

I totally respect what this place is trying to do but it’s not my scene.
First off, I don’t understand how this place can «funxion» as a club at all. I came here for lunch and it reminds of me Jamba Juice. I do not think I could tolerate this place as a lounge/​nightclub/​etc.
As a restaurant, it focuses on healthy eating and does quite well at it. We started off with the chips and quacamole, which was enjoyable although I was not a fan of the chips (they seemed like a pita-​tortilla chip hybrid). My margherita pizza was pretty tasty. The crust was not as crunchy or tasty as I would have like, but that’ll do pig. That’ll do.
My companion got the Southwest Chicken sandwich. She seemed to enjoy it but I found it a little bland. FYI — the sandwich is not toasted or anything like that, if that’s what you were expecting (I know I was).
Last, the Fortitude smoothie was very tasty. Very thick and loaded with fruit, protein and all sorts of healthy crap.
I can’t say I’d be willing to pay full price for anything besides the smoothies (my companion had a LivingSocial deal) but if you’re in the area and enjoy healthy eating or just need some healthy sustenance, this will certainly fit the bill.

I hope to God that THIS isn’t what you totally health-​conscious people are suffering through on a daily basis. Jesus. The place was painful… like a bone-​marrow extraction. To be fair, the venue itself is very cute – a mix between a juice bar and a trendy little club/​diner (with all the neon and cool seating). Upon first walking in I was somewhat impressed… until I realized that despite the place being empty we’d been standing in the doorway for over two-​minutes and no one had made an effort to greet us yet. Okkayyy… Another couple who were wandering around aimlessly stops to ask US, «Excuse me, do you know if we seat ourselves or???» We smiled and shrugged; then we all decide to take advantage of the empty seating upstairs.
The waitress does eventually come over and brings us water; she was friendly enough. We ask what are the best cocktails on the menu, and we’re told the Insane Logic and the Scary Good – or something like that. We each order one and place our food order as well: bison burger, black-​bean burger; veggie wrap. We’re all set.
That was THE most disgusting drink I have EVER had… and I’ve had some bad drinks. WTF?! I couldn’t even tell you what it was – it was BITTER, I can tell you that and TART… like a pink lemonade (or pink grapefruit juice) made without sugar with a splash of Vodka (Insane Logic). I didn’t taste my friends’ drinks… why bother?
The food? I could’ve made a tastier burger by throwing a frozen patty on my George Foreman grill. My friend’s black-​bean burger tasted about as good as the name sounds; and the veggie wrap was sooo dryyyy… it tasted like how sex without proper lubrication feels. OH! And the coup de grâce?! The bill came to $ 73. Really? Is this what we’re doing now, Satan?

My first & last visit to Funxion yielded a number of critical observations:
1.) People who have spent most their lives eating cardboard flavored energy bars and protein powders probably shouldn’t be people who design or taste-​approve a menu.
Funxion earns the notorious superlative of having the worst chili in the city (and possibly the entire East Coast). You’d think it wouldn’t be hard to make chili, but these guys, it’s like they’ve never heard of cumin… or even spices. Plus, they’re using bison and don’t seem to know how to handle it. Funxion’s chili tastes like they stirred some over-​cooked ground bison into off-​brand ketchup, then simmered for 2 hours with a handful of toothless beans. The only flavor in the bowl was sugar, with notes of ruined bison. I can’t imagine any menu-​building process that would lead to such a crappy bowl of ANYTHING. That is unless you set out a MetrRX Bar, some BSN Syntha-​6 Protein Powder, and your chili, then made an executive decision by going with the 2^nd place pick rather than the winner.
2.) Personal trainers make lousy bartenders.
The cocktail I ordered was pre-​mixed. All the man had to do was pour the alcohol over the mixer and shake (or stir), but he even messed that up. He didn’t even MIX the freaking drinks.
3.) Meat-​heads make even worse waiters (and managers).
Hi dude. Yeah, now I’m talking directly to you. You know who you are. My girlfriend and I? Yes, we have a lot of opinions. But you know what? We’ve both served for years. We know the drill. Here’s what you did wrong… it’s big list, which did admittedly leave me being rude by the end of our time with you. I’m sorry about that.
a.) when you were taking my order, you were staring at the hot girls with British accents rather than looking at me, even though you and I were supposedly engaged in exchanging information.
b.) halfway through my order, you literally just walked away, only to return two minutes later with no apology or explanation, almost as if you were a robot that crashed and rebooted.
c.) you made my cocktail like it was a rail drink served at last call in a windowless dive bar. Try going somewhere else where the drinks cost $ 12+ and see what the bartenders do to earn their tips.
d.) When my food came out, I took one nibble and pushed it away. That’s the universal sign for you to rush over and see what’s wrong. You visibly noticed, but ignored it for quite a while, closing the window of opportunity to better-​resolve the issue.
e.) No, I didn’t approach my concerns with tact, but considering the menu said «sugar» yet the sign said «no sugar» I don’t feel that I was outside the realm of reason for being a little frustrated. A bit more transparency in your signage might help clear things up.
f.) at no point did you ever even feign politeness. As our meal hit rock after rock, you responded with annoyance and hostility. It’s your job to smile and be nice to even the most unreasonable customers. I maintain that none of my complaints were unreasonable, but that shouldn’t even matter. You smile either way, that’s your job. I know. I had it for years. It’s not –that– hard.
4.) Deceptive Pricing.
When all the food on the menu costs $ 7 – 12, I don’t expect the cocktails (made from pre-​mixed juices) to start at $ 12. Funxion leaves the price off the menu. Sure, I expect them to be marked up, but these were insanely expensive and completely out of sync with area drink prices. If they’d been $ 9.99 they would have been expensive, but since I hadn’t asked, I’d blame myself. At $ 12 a drink, I’m just going to call it dishonesty. Related: Simple syrup is made of sugar and water. If you want to use an artificial sweetener, that’s cool… just don’t call it simple syrup. Put an asterix next to it or just label it as Splenda, which comes in liquid form, so there’s no real reason to «boil it down» anyway.
5.) Terrible Plating.
My coleslaw came out served in a 2oz ramekin, no plate to eat it on. There’s no way to respectably eat out of a lone ramekin. Come on, serious. You’re a downtown restaurant for god’s sake.
— — — –
Though I’m sure it’s hard to tell by my review, I was really excited to finally try Funxion. It’s got a drool-​worthy menu. I love bison, I prefer to eat healthy, and I hate sweet drinks. What could go wrong? Sadly, a lot. 2 drinks, a side of slaw, and some chips with 2oz of guac cost over $ 40 with tip. That’s highway robbery. Funxion gets 1 star AND a sadface for being a brutal letdown.
:-(

My boyfriend, Justin S. (
) almost got in a fight with the bartender.
Let me back up.
We walked in full of piss, vinegar, and anticipati… on. Healthy food! I can has drinks with low calories and coconut water (mighty anti-​hangover cure, tis said). We were chuffed.
To begin: the bartender had a serious problem maintaining eye contact during the 20 seconds it takes to get an order. Looking to the left. The right. Actually interrupting my boyfriend mid-​order to walk away and help someone else. No biggie. People have bad days.
I ordered a Crazy Good, which is some kind of gin thing with added elements meant to help me live to be 105 and look 70 years less than that. Bartender pours some gin in an unchilled glass. Adds some glop from a premade mix. Puts a straw in. Slides it at me.
I am one of those people who would rather stick a fork in a child’s eye than send back an overcooked burger, and I even I had to say, «Do you guys usually… shake your cocktails? Like, in a shaker? With ice?»
«Oh, some of them.» Okay.
Drink was NG. Guac and chips came with no gluten-​free option. Bison chili tasted like sugar ketchup. My sweet lovely boyfriend, who has a mild problem with mincing words, put it about 2 feet in front of us (universal server sign for «UNACCEPT.») Bartender, obviously seeing us as Tough Eggs who Will Nae Tip, ignores this.
So of course J. got a little heated when he finally acknowledged the full bowl of chili. «This tastes like sugared ass.» (creative reenactment on my part with embellishments). «I don’t want this.»
Bartender looks about ready to throw down Swayze-​crazy style. «You sure have a lot of opinions.»
ARE YOU KIDDING ME ARE YOU KIDDING ME the correct (only) response is «Oh! I’m so sorry! Can I get you anything else? May I polish your shoes with my shoes, which were bought on commissioned tips almost entirely?»
I’m not saying it’s easy dealing with unhappy customers; I worked in a restaurant for almost a year. But it’s part of the job. You remain unfailingly pleasant.
Maybe this is why I still get tipped 20% on shitty food.
Bill $ 35. Now J. and I go make a delicious equally healthy meal for less than $ 20…
Yeah.
edited to add: i tipped him 20 percent. it’s principal.

bought the living social coupon for $ 10 which was worth $ 20.
Not good but really healthy. Coolest bathrooms ever! Everything was automatic even the distribution of the toilet paper! so cool. The glasses were nice and tall but my straw kept sinking in :(
me and my sorority sister who visited got
2 the sirloin slider $ 3
bison slider $ 3
chicken burger $ 7
chopped salad $ 8
$ 22
salad was a joke the dressing was gross, changed it to the asian dressing a little better still not good. Burgers were good and healthy 90% lean, yess! Comes with cantaloupe and they serve cocktails here, healthy drinks and energy drinks.
will not be returning for food that doesn’t even look like it’s been prepared to look appetizing!

What can I say… I was lured into Funxion by the cool name, modern and hip interior, and healthy menu items. I really should have known better from the lack of a line during lunch rush, but I was just too captivated by the awesome interior and design of the place to notice. And then I sat down to eat my lunch, and the food here was absolutely inedible. My tuna sandwich was so flavorless… it literally tasted like nothing. I looked over to my co-​workers and they had the same facial expression as I did after biting into their sandwich. Why does it taste like nothing? The concept of Funxion is really interesting, but execution is terrible. This place would have so much potential if they just served better food.

Yeeeeeah, Unilocaler N’s right: a generous 3 stars.
I had two drinks: Clear Confusion and… something with «chaos» in the title. Collective Chaos? No, that wasn’t it. OH – Controlled Chaos. That’s it.
Anyways, the Clear Confusion was fruity on the sip, however, once one swallows, it tastes exactly like hair grease. Bleh. The Controlled Chaos, on the other foot, was pretty delicious, as bourbon-​based drinks tend to be.
I could have sworn up, down, and around the corner that this place was just an organic juice bar, so the lounge bit took me by surprise. (Though I guess I could have Unilocaled it to see that it is labeled «lounge.» But anyways…) That said, they enjoyed getting their house music on for the few people who were chillin’ about the dancefloor. And they have lights that go all flashy and things. Which is pretty trippy when you’ve had a drink of algae.
Speaking of trippy — the bathrooms are kinda strange. I mean, cool, if you’re into that sort of thing, but a little strange. There’s a big splashy painting-​ish sort of thing of a half a mermaid, but just when you go searching her body for a fin, you realize that you’re looking at her reflection in the mirror. Strange, but kinda neat. The features are all quite modern, too, in that, you don’t have to touch anything but your own rump in this bathroom. But by the time I’d used the auto-​flush toilet, then the auto-​soap pump, the auto sink just seemed silly. But it fits with the «organic» thing, so alright…
Aside from all the things I found plain odd, I don’t actually have any complaints. Our server/​event planner was nice (but she would make announcements that were a little distracting to our party, but I don’t know how else she could have told us what we needed to know without talking to everyone at the same time), so the service isn’t bad. I didn’t have any of the food, though the bison chili did look pretty damn good, so can’t comment on that, but I’ve heard that it’s an upside.
Can’t say I’d come back to hang out on a weekend night, but if I still worked downtown DC, I’d be all about getting me a sandwich from here.

I’ve never eaten at the «fit» restaurant, but I did see DysfunXion, which is the nightspot/​club (sounds like a middle-schooler’s AIM screen name, honestly). Only reason I stopped by was because a friend was holding a birthday event here.
I walked in, and I immediately felt under-​dressed in my jeans/​boots/​t-​shirt combo — you could tell I frequented Adams Morgan far more than Chinatown, that’s for sure. All the girls were in skimpy dresses and heels, and the guys in button-​downs and slacks/​nice jeans. When I say «all,» I mean all 4 people that were in there besides our 20 – 30 person group. The place was deserted. I will say the décor was nice though. Seats were comfy.
Drinks were expensive, so I decided to hold back (thank goodness for the three or four glasses of Carlo Rossi jug wine I’d imbibed before I left) and all they played was techno. Didn’t dig it. Bar was still empty around 1 am, so we left to go to Rumors, which was packed.
The owners going to have to revamp their brand, or Funxion will have a hard time staying open. This isn’t NYC, there aren’t enough vegan techno Russians to keep this place alive.

Came in for lunch and ordered a turkey burger with a side of the apple sweet potatoes. Opting for the filtered water available in a pitcher for free, my meal came to $ 10. Bonus: the cups for the free water are normal size, no dixie bathroom cups here.
The turkey burger was a little sad looking when it arrived. Maybe I’m just used to restaurant proportions, this was more similar to a barbeque proportions. It tasted fine. Was not one of the most amazing nor one of the worst turkey burgers of my life. It was fine. Just not memorable. I would try something different if I ever went back.
My apple sweet potatoes = amazeballs. The menu said these were under 100 calories and I find that hard to believe, but still a-​m-​a-​z-​i-​n-​g. Highly recommend.

I pre-​celebrated my birthday here with some friends, so this review will be a little skewiffe.
Firstly, I thought the food was great and I love the concept. We had a variety of sliders and some pizzas. Knowing they were all «good» for you but tasted oh-​so-​bad was… confusing but delicious.
I love the concept of triple-​filtered booze and organic liquor, but was thrown off by the fact that they had Red Bull. Stick to your guns, Funxion (well at this point it was technically Dysfunxion)!
The music: too loud for the space and the sparse crowd. Our table was behind the DJ and it was still ear-​splitting.
Scene: I love me some gays, but not when I’m out with my girls on my birthday. These divas were showing up our outfits. Friday isn’t gay night here, but apparently a gay party down the street shut down and they moved it to Funxion. One guy, wearing gold slip on Tom’s, told he me was sponsored by Tom’s «just for being gay.» I found this appalling and envy-​inducing all at once.
Décor: Pretty sweet. The murals in the bathrooms are awesome. There was a lot of white leather, and It kinda reminded me of Dragonfly (RIP).
Overall I think this place could just be overwhelming to someone. I mean wtf is it? A Japanese-​influenced food experiment restaurant? A night club transported from SoBe circa 2001? Are we supposed to be bad or good here? Luckily I’m always bad so it wasn’t a problem. But the bottom line is, a few bottles of bougie vodka later we were over at Marvin, dancing to better music even with the horrid heat.

Funxion is funky. You walk in and it’s this high-​gloss, trendy lounge-​looking thing. Some of the counter surfaces are made of a material that lights up upon contact. Place a drink on top of it and a soft LED glow from underneath gives it an aura. Even the bathrooms, their freakishly complicated bathrooms, are bathed in some funky neon light that makes you ask – am I in a bathroom or an alien ship? Slide the door open to get back to reality. Then, you have to order everything from the bar, though they’ll gladly take the food to wherever you’re sitting.
Now the food. What can I say? It’s the healthy stuff. The concept here is ‘healthy’ and organic, which supposedly explains the absence of salt and pepper. Oh but not hot sauce. They have that. And because my Asian Chicken pizza was so healthy – bland! – I was forced to drown it in their home-​made hot sauce. I know what you’re gonna say, that I just don’t get it. Well, you’re right. I don’t. I don’t get why there’s only light beer on the menu, because it’s still beer, which is still more bad than good for you. But no salt and pepper? C’mon.
I think this place has a lot of potential. But it – whatever concept they’re trying to execute – needs some tweaking. The highlight of this particular visit was their hot sauce, which managed to transform the pizza and the tofu chili into a decent – no, edible meal. And I still couldn’t finish either, even when I had a partner picking away at it with me. The hot sauce. Order it there.

Health conscious dining is making a comeback, so it seems. Funxion is jumping on the bandwagon. Their entrees are prepared without any oil, salt or added sugars. The beverages they serve are sugar-​free too. So, does the food lack flavor?
The mushroom pizza was good. It is a tad overpriced for $ 9, but the mixed mushrooms, are flavorful. Some may think a tad too garlicky. One pizza is big enough to share if you get a small side dish to accompany it.
The tabouli is bulgur based; no parsley to be had. It was also good, but kinda plain. It was cheap so that was nice. I was tempted to try the portabello mushroom burger. Maybe next time!
I like how they are keen on being environmentally friendly by using biodegradable paper cups. They also have garbage cans to sort trash from plastic (utensils) and glass (soda bottles). They also have hand sanitizers at the counters. Cool atmosphere for lunch, but I can’t see how this small space transforms itself into a dance club at night. Where is the dance floor?

I heard about the Funxion’s concept to promote healthy-​conscious food during the day and fun-​night? at night.
Tried mushroom pizza and 2 side dishes (barley tabouli and cabage slaw).
You can taste big mushroom flavor (And Garlic!!) and a little bit of cheese and don’t feel guilty about eating Pizza but not sure if it’s tasty enough to attrack people.
Barley tabouli sounded interesting but basically barley-​vegetable salad similar to ones at Wholefoods.
Cabage slaw was seasoned more than others (can’t say better…).
Reminded me of a special meal (low sodium and xx) once I got in the airplane.
You might want to compare Funxion dish with Lean-​cuisine:) Not sure which one is a better deal:)