KFC

No sporks, yo? Whatup wit no sporks?
According to Wikipedia, «In the US, patents for sporks and proto-​sporks have been issued. A combined spoon, fork, and knife closely resembling the modern spork was invented by Samuel W. Francis and issued US Patent 147,119 in February 1874.» Mr. Francis, the KFC Legion of Fowl Boom owes you, big time. This franchise, built upon the simplest of guilty, greasy pleasures, fried chicken, must have been sweating when they added mashed potatoes to the menu of side items, but the spork solves all of that anxiety with the combined spoon/​fork ninja utensil drunken mastery. I thought the spork was pure genius when I first unsheathed its glory from the sturdy translucent plastic wrapper as a child, and still today I find the design rather novel. All hail the spork, yo.
When we popped a 12 piece bucket in this location, I honestly believe I was more interested in hoisting up a spork than I anticipated shoveling a sporkful of potatoes down my gullet, but I couldn’t spot any sporks in the bag. I asked the counter intelligence, and the guy said they were out of sporks, sorry. Out of sporks? Those are, like, your only utensil! Sorry, no sporks today. And as I wandered back to our sticky table, my eyes lowered toward the really old, dirtyish tile, I thought man, this place could really use a do-​over. The ol’ close-​for-​a-​month-​and-​completely-​gut-​the-​place thingy that places like Wendy’s do these days, because they’re really, really living in the past. And that thought clicked with another observation I made just minutes beforehand: gut the menu. Sure, America knows the KFC gig, but c’mon, no salads? No, um, fruit? Nothing in the way of, y’know, semi-​healthy anything? The rest of the franchise nation gets this, KFC. We’re more than happy to gorge on pure gluttony if we can add something green on the side, to at least give us the illusion that we’re not supersizing ourselves. Get with the gentrifying program.
And no, the soggy green beans and freshly unfrozen corn don’t cut it.

I mean, I know what to expect out of going somewhere like KFC (ie, not much), but even this was a little bizarre for me.
I ordered a $ 5 Fill Up Box, a current promotional item that features getting a lot for your money. It promises an array of different entrée items, mashed potatoes and gravy, a biscuit, a cookie, and a medium drink.
I ordered one with the three chicken tenders, and that’s about all that was right. The tenders themselves were old, chewy, and lukewarm but generally permissible for fast food. However, I did not receive a side, a cookie, or the BBQ sauce I asked for.
Maybe they thought the large container of gravy they gave me instead would make up for it?
This is the third time I’ve order a variation of the $ 5 Fill Up Box — usually they only forget the cookie, which I’m frankly okay with even if it’s a bit frustrating not getting everything that’s supposed to come with my meal (and as a college student, I value my dollar).
But this was just… weird. What do I do with a large container of gravy? I don’t know. Maybe next time they’ll give me a large container of mashed potatoes and I can finally have a use for this absurd amount of gravy.

Filthy dining room. Service and food were ok, but the dining room was disgusting. Dirty floor, dirty tables, and the place was buzzing with flies. This was a 2:30pm, so lunch hour rush can’t even be used as an excuse (the restaurant only had six dine in customers).

So, I didn’t have lunch plans today and decided to drive around for inspiration on where to eat. Thirty minutes later and I was getting desperate.
Then I stumbled onto KFC. I thought, «Hey, I haven’t been there in ages! I’ll give it a shot.»
I like popcorn chicken in general but they didn’t have it on the menu. I ordered the three-​piece chicken strips and a large drink. He brings out the cup for the drink — The Mega. It’s a half-​gallon plastic container. As he handed it to me, I officially felt like white trash.
Not to be mean, but all the employees looked like rejects from other fast food establishments. And does KFC have some prisoner rehabilitation program? I’m sorry but it was bad.
They call out my number for my food. I had ordered it to go. For only three dried-​up strips and a dry biscuit I was shocked at how much plastic was being wasted! Have the environmental groups never been to KFC? Golly molly. I told the man at the counter that I would like some Bar-​B-​Que sauce. «Sure, sure,» he said as he placed about 20 packages of hot sauce in my bag and then gave me ANOTHER Mega drink cup. He briskly walked away. I stood there until he came back. I had the hot sauce in my hand. «This is hot sauce. I would like Bar-​B-​Que sauce. It probably comes in little square packets,» I said. «Oh, ok.»
I took the «meal» to my car and intended to drive back to work to eat it. For some reason, it seemed very KFC-​like to just eat it in the parking lot, so I did. The strips were nothing to write home about. Small and dry. The biscuit was decent. And even an hour later I still have some Diet Pepsi in my Mega.
I’ve read recently that KFC has all but abandoned the U.S. market in favor of China, where the chain is experiencing rapid growth. It’s obvious from this visit that is the case. KFC either needs to undergo a serious rebranding effort, or just shut down their facilities. I can’t help but think Colonel Sanders must be turning over in his grave.