Bert & Ernie’s General Store

Absolutely disgusting. … I like dive bars but this place is creepy. The teenager running the register looked terrified and the «boss/​manager» Gave us wine glasses with the threat of «if you break these glasses you owe me $ 100». Wtf?!? Hopefully we don’t let catch a disease.

This place fits the bill of a creepy dive bar. Walking up to the front door, a middle aged scruffy guy (the owner? Some random person?) was sipping a beer or an energy drink, fidgeting. I said hi and he said nothing. I walked in, saw no one. ATM was dead, found some teenage girl behind the grill making burgers. She was barefoot. I asked where the bait was, she said «2^nd to last door» then went behind counter. I didn’t know what that meant, so I went walking through a few other doors and rooms. That was a mistake, so I came back and she showed me the fridge door with the bait. Paid my $ 5.99 for my 24 worms, and got the hell out of there.

When you can’t get into Hamilton Pool because there are too many cars waiting you can always come to the next best place and that’s Bert and Ernie’s General Store. Uh. Yessss.
What this translates into is the fact that there isn’t much out in this neck of the woods. Which may be why Bert and Ernie’s not only sells beer/​wine but also food, fish bait and tackle and there’s a spray tan booth right in the middle of the convenience store. So what is this place exactly?
I’m not really sure. They do have a bar that sells beer and wine only with a small «beer garden» out back you can drink on. They do have a small kitchen where they can cook food. They do have arcade games for the kids (or kids at heart). There are TV’s where you can sort of catch a game depending on the signal strength. The ‘store’ part really does have a lot of things you would find in a convenience store. There really is a tanning booth. The owner lives on the property so if you come in and can’t get help he may be at the house and will be right back.
My most recent visit (I’ve visited more than once) a friend and I came to drink a beer and the teenage girl running the cash register told us to help ourselves to the bar. We couldn’t find a bottle opener but one of the customers buying fishing tackle let us use his belt buckle to open the bottles. This is exactly the sort of place you would find on a road trip through the Midwest. What a gem.

This was once a great place… then it changed owners. The new owner is a complete obnoxious ass, that wound up like a meth tweeker.
Was there On a Wednesday afternoon. The owner comes out and say he has to close for about 30 minutes. An hour and a half later he finally opens back up, with his eyes bulging, and every other word out of his mouth was an F-​bomb. Hhhmmm. he never left the property. All he did was go to his ajoining personal residence. Wonder what he was doing up there to come back so wound up?
I will never go back to this dump. I recommend everyone avoid this place like the plague. The disrespectful owner has no clue how to run a business.

Bert & Ernie’s is not an upscale or hipster place. It’s a very friendly beer joint. The margaritas are wine based nastiness. Just stick with beer. Do NOT go here if you want ‘nice’. If you are cool with:
* ‘country’ people
* wife beaters t-​shirts
* smoking indoors
then you should check this place out. It’s a very fun environment! If you’re a bit pretenious then don’t bother going.
I won’t be a regular because it’s beer only but love the place!

They even have a stand-​up tanning bed at the end of the wine aisle. Weird.

What the what? First of all, in fairness, it kind of seems like life is always in limbo here: it’s a bait shop, it’s a burger joint, it’s the place where your lower-​end vintage might well mix with your higher end Gatorade, and I’m sort of not kidding. It’s an outpost, and people are expected to make the best of things at hand.
That said, things aren’t entirely without reason: the back room’s a pool hall /​Bait Shop /​Pavement based honkytonk (of sorts), and though the folks here were (in total fairness) unbelievably nice here, a couple of things went down. One: my burger order wasn’t right, and took what seemed closed to Sistene Chapel preparation time to determine, and two: the channels in back that key into the big screen seem to have (what I am generously referencing as) less than ideal channel options. I’m just saying.
Other than that, definitely pop in for a friendly hello… as they will always nail that one.

Bert and Ernie’s always seemed to be this place where we just had to stop someday. It looked like a total dive, but dives can be interesting. Curiosity was killing me and curiosity leads you to find some incredible gems that you would otherwise miss. Of course, curiosity kills slow-​witted teenagers in slasher movies.
6:30 pm – We walk in. The front area is a convenience store which sells snacks, wine and fishing supplies. A bald, mustached man with tattoo sleeves is behind the counter and nods his head. We walk into the bar area. GAG! What’s with the cigarette haze? Conversation comes to a complete halt when we enter. The Gal examines the «beer garden» which is picnic tables on concrete. «Sure, we’ll give it a try.»
6:32pm — There’s no bartender, so we walk to the other side. A tall 20-​something girl is now behind the counter. We ask her about ordering food. She points to the far end of the store and in a vacuous voice says «Uh, you go to that window over there.» We head to a window that looks like where you pick up your illegal liquor in a dry county. There’s a dry erase board with a menu. Among the choices:
–bifsteak a la Mexicana
–fajitas with chese
–avecado
A blond 20-​ish girl with a lot of face makeup, pierced belly button and beer gut hanging over her jeans sidles up. The Gal asks about the bifsteak.
Beer Gut turns her head sideways. «Umm…» She wipes her nose. This does not go unnoticed. «It’s like… beef. Cheese. Kinda all mushed up.»
«Mushed up… what do you mean?»
Pregnant pause. «Like a taco.» There has still been no eye contact.
Foolishly adventurous, the Gal says «Oh sure, I’ll try it.» I order a cheeseburger. Beer Gut tells me to pay at the counter. The Gal heads to the bathroom.
6:40 pm – I go into the bar; Vacuous is now bartending and Tattoo Sleeve is a smoking patron. I’m wondering if I should see if these people reflect in mirrors. Vacuous goes to the convenience store, so I follow her.
She asks «Were you swimming?» Her eagle eyes picked up my trunks and damp hair. She reveals she’s been here 2 months. I ask where she’s from. «California.» She lights a cigarette. «Have you heard of the Mojave Desert?» I resist an urge to ask if she’s heard of the Pacific. «Yes, what town?» «Apple Valley.» «I’ve been through there.» Her eyes light up as if she’s lost in the jungle & encouters an American. I continue: «What brought you here?» «My best friend (points towards Beer Gut) asked me to come here. It’s so green!» I quell the desire to point out we’re in a drought.
«What beers do you have?» Smoke. «If you come around to the other side it’s easier for me.» A man in a do-​rag who resembles a lesbian woman walks to the food window.
The Gal returns, asking «Is there soap in the men’s room?» Nope. The Gal stares at Beer Gut assembling our food. «Where does she wash her hands?» A quick perusal of the kitchen reveals… no soap. She wears jeans to absorb her snot.
6:45pm — Lesbian Man is now behind the counter. The Gal takes our food to the Parking Lot Garden; I go to the bar for beers. Vacuous still has no idea what their selection is. I order 2 Shiners and give her my credit card in case we actually go mad and decide to stay for more.
6:50pm — If the grease quotient had been halved the food would be standard bar fare. Too hungry not to eat, we gamble that the alcohol would destroy any e. coli.
7:05pm — I go in to pay the bill. Vacuous asks if I want another round. «No, we’re cashing out.» Crestfallen look. «Are you sure?» I smile «Yes.»
“The Zoo” is on the boom box. Tattoo Sleeve, Lesbian Man and a girl, Trailer Park Child, are all smoking at the bar. Tattoo suddenly exclaims: «I’ve lost my beer!» He looks at an open can. «Is that my beer?» Since everyone else has a beverage I take a stab. «Yes it is.» He takes a swig & turns up the music. Trailer Park exclaims: «Looks like Bubbles is ready to party.» She’s looking under the bar but in the general direction of Tattoo Sleeve. Is there a cat named Bubbles? Tattoo Sleeve/​Bubbles more or less motions that, yes, he’s ready to party.
Lesbian Man turns to me. «Hey man, you need a beer?» Never mind that I’m there to close out my tab. He’s not offering to buy me one, he’s going to go behind the bar and GET me one.
7:10pm — Vacuous finally figures out the credit card process. There’s no place on the receipt for a tip. I ask her about this. She looks at me and shrugs. I throw $ 3 in the tip bucket. She gets that ‘you’re-my-best-friend-ever’ look. «Thank you!» As I walk out, Tattoo Sleeve/​Bubbles says «Hey man. You come back and see us now, alright?» Lesbian Man nods and Trailer Park Child beams.
We decide that as soon as we get home we need to be current on our shots and confirm there are no puncture wounds in our necks.
5 stars for the experience, 1 star for the food, and minus 1 star for the mental scarring. Divide by 3.

Quick stop to get some food and fishing bait in one place.
Good breakfast tacos.
decent bait prices.