The Demons of Ale

The search for a reliable wingman is an arduous and dangerous journey. The right one can help you build meaningful bonds with the opposite sex or reduce them to ashes even a phoenix couldn’t rise from. My previous one retired his number to start the Pottery Barn and brunch life and his replacement was a friend from high school with whom I’d reconnected with through the magic of Facebook. Manny C. was first in our troupe to own a car, a Mustang GT no less and an older girlfriend which boosted his street cred. He was the perfect candidate to cover me in dogfight swarming with MiGs. That is until he was possessed by three demons at a pool party conjured up by Avery Brewing Co.
Samael (16% ABV) is like a malt IED exploded in your mouth and took everybody with it. You won’t be ables to taste anything but sweet smoke and spice and to a novice this might seem like the most benevolent of the brews. Don’t be fooled this oak-​aged ale will cleave your sobriety in two like the Angel of Death’s murder-​scythe.
Mephistophales (17% ABV) was named after the denizen of the depths that tricked Doctor Faustus and 400 years later he’s up to his old tricks again. Your taste-​buds need to use their imagination to be convinced it’s a stout, it’s more like an Imperial Double Black IPA.
The Beast (18% ABV) has a flavor akin to the after effects of a bitch slap. This Belgian Grand Cru Ale stings your mouth with its yeasty profile and teases your eyes with its rich hue of carbonated blood. Once you’ve tasted this you’ll think it’s so evil you’ll search the bottle for the mark of the beast — 666.
«He only drank three beers.» they said. «Maybe he’s on medication they said.» But I knew I was the only one to blame for bringing the Witches’ brews. When the police came I’m sure the excerpt in the report read something like –
«Arrived approximately 2237 for a dispute involving intoxicated Hispanic male suspect and several females. Witnesses complained he made unsolicited advances to pregnant female and sang every song annoyingly off key. Then the suspect undressed, climbed the roof of the domicile and recklessly dove into the pool, putting himself and others at risk but shortly thereafter witness attested to the increased use of the pool. Suspect resisted several attempts to remove him from the residence after reportedly snorting wasabi and crying like a little girl. Pregnant female’s husband chased suspect with an improvised weapon (Super Soaker 500 filled with tequila) until he tripped and suffered several lacerations and abrasions. Suspect was treated onsite by EMS.»
Every offering in this series is triple the strength of standard brews, so you can’t funnel them with only chips and dip lining your stomach. If a standard beer is a puppy licking your face, then these are wolves gnawing your skull. Our suspect’s career as a wingman ended that night, but the good news is he did make restitutions with the party guests and they all laugh about it now. The bad new is Manny C. has never touched another craft beer and I think that’s sad because Avery was just testing the limits of brewing technology. They are in no way responsible for douchey behavior. The moral of the story is… you have to take the «drink responsibly» slogan to heart when approaching high gravity beers but do approach them nonetheless.