Clown Alley

Me and my Navy buddies from 1984 thru 1993. If these clown’s could talk. I miss you Clown Alley :-(
You were there for me and my friends at 3 and 4 in the morning more times than I could possibly remember. Send in those frickin’ clown’s =O

Pickles the nickname of my dog.
This place had so much more appeal when it was called «Clown Alley.» At least there was some historicism attached to that name, I gather. But «Pickles» — yeah, makes me think of a pregnant lady’s cravings.
Food was just okay, pricier than the quality. And it didn’t help that I vomited it up later. No seriously.

The menu indicated ground chuck but it was not what tasted like ground chuck or was super fresh; when you have super fresh ground chuck it is a burger that can be eaten in one bite. This was not one of those burgers. The condiment bar was okay– two kinds of sliced pickles, marinated onions, pickle relish, and so fourth.
The fries were un-​compelling, they were not hand cut; many burgers in San Francisco are quite good and it is hard to compare Pickles with the many outstanding burger choices; if I am going to pay this large sum I want a burger that is outstanding.
Pickles needs to pick it up with better ingredients. The service was quick and efficient – they can only work with what they have. A disappointing burger experience.

I visited this site a few times when it was the original Clown Alley, then again when it became the New Clown Alley. That was a very long time ago. Since changing its name to Pickles however, I had yet to pay a visit until this weekend. As other reviewers have mentioned the clowns (
) are still hanging around inside. In fact, they seem to be everywhere (
).
The burgers are still as big as I remembered them. These are one third pound burgers that look like and feel like one third pound burgers. I had a Bacon Cheeseburger, an order of fries and a large soda. You can order soda from the fountain or in bottles and cans. They have beer on tap also. During my visit they had Fat Tire, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pilsner Urquell and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. I had not seen the beer taps which are located at the far end of the counter until after I had paid for my soda; otherwise, the SNPA would have been perfect with my burger.
The gentleman who works the counter has an excellent memory. There were at least nine other people ordering different burgers /​sandwiches when I placed my order. As each order came off the grill that man knew exactly which person to bring the sandwich order to. That’s very impressive considering this is a seat yourself type of place with ample seating both indoors (
) and out.
A pile of thick bacon highlighted my Bacon Cheeseburger (
). The bacon wasn’t very greasy either because the kitchen seems to have patted the oil on these pretty well. The sandwich comes with lettuce and tomato, but feel free to add your own condiments, red or white onions, pickle slices or relish at the serve yourself cart located in the middle of the indoor sitting area. The cheese on this burger looked and tasted like a mild cheddar. The burger wasn’t very juicy though, but you probably can’t taste the beef anyway with all that bacon they throw on there.
The fries (
) come in one size and that is huge. You can probably fill yourself full on just the potatoes and a drink. The fries were nothing special though, but they were fried up nice and crispy on the outsides.
So if you ever want to be in the company of one of those clowns just hanging around (
) drop in on Pickles.

OK, so the food at this place wasn’t so great, but the unabashedly unironic clown theme was scary and disgusting and funny and perfect in all the right ways.
In high school, my friend Dan and I watched this movie called Killer Klowns or something like that. We loved it because it wasn’t scary when it was supposed to be scary; it was scary because clowns are scary especially when they’re not supposed to be scary.
So I’m sad this place is closed.

I’m happy to report the burgers, fries are still good quality.
the meat patty was thick, juicy and smelled good. My buns were perfectly charred and sprinkled with sesame seeds. I saw them cook everything the minute I paid the cashier. My fries were golden brown AND tastey. The have a stand alone island stocked with two kinds of pickles, fresh white onion slices, pickled red onions, pickled jalapenos and carrots, mayonnaise, mustard and ketchup were properly cooled and fresh tasting. I have not been here since they changed there name a year ago but’s its a place I’ll keep going back to for a tastey burger/​fries. Oh, the patio is a stellar place to sit on a sunny glorios San Francisco Day. Like today. They have beer and wine too. Next time, I’ll have the chili burger or chicken breast, both very good.
Ten bucks is ok for just made quality and relaxing atmosphere. With cool music from the 80’s …
Décor: same as usual. Clean.
Customer service: very good.

I’m pretty surprised by the ratings you’ve all given this place! It’s really not that bad! I’m not sure if I can speak for the burgers, because I don’t remember if I ever had one here in my pre-​vegetarian days or not… But the garden burger is pretty darn tasty and the fries are the best kind! The big, soft, potatoey kind, not the hard, crispy little shoelace kind! And they have a condiment bar with some cool stuff to put on your burger, which is a nice touch.
I did try a shake here once and I wasn’t too pleased… It was wayyy too thick! I could hardly get a slurp from it! And being cash only kind of sucks, but this place is open pretty late and just a few blocks from my place… I just feel bad for the guys working here, because they probably have to deal with uptight FiDi snobs in their drunk and sober forms… Oh, and having to walk past the Church of Scientology kind of creeps me out even more than the clown décor.

Clown alley re-​opened and is now Pickles!!! They Kept the décor the same. You can see all the pictures, and circus relics on the walls and ceilings… they should have kept the name clown alley!!!
Their menu is pretty basic… all burgers charbroiled on the grill… with your choice of beef, or chicken. Try their chili burger or chili fries… pretty good.
The great thing about Pickles is that they have a condiment bar… you can top it with what you want, with how much you want it!!! Extra pickkles for me please. =)
Good burger when you’re drunk, and there’s nothing else thats open. If youre looking for a better burger during the day, hit up burger bistro or bun heaven.

Drunk food at its best. Can’t go wrong with a burger and fries here after a sloppy happy hour after work in the FiDi. It’s on my way home so it’s a no-​brainer. Extra props for the serve yourself ranch dispenser! YES!
Cash only so be prepared.

Why on Earth did they change the name of this place from the venerable Clown Alley to the oh-​so-​generic Pickles? Was Pickles the head clown? Did he kill the other clowns in the alley to start his own place? Did the other clowns abandon him due to his strict clown training regimen?
These questions remain unanswered after a recent trip to Pickles. But let me tell you, the evidence of Clown Alley is everywhere. Pickles may be the new titular head of this establishment, but the vestiges of the once mighty Clown Alley are still to be found within.
The food here is burgers and fries. They have hot dogs. No, none of it is spectacular. I’d also like to take this opportunity to ask the 1 star folks who received decent service but rated the food 1 star as to what they expected from a hot dog/​burger joint plastered with clown images. Were you expecting a fat-​ass organic Niman Ranch beef burger? Were you? Because if you were, you should be slapped upside your bougie head.
Dude, it’s a burger joint. The food aint bad, but it’s not your mom’s home cooking, either. It’s a little expensive, but you’re in North Beach and on Columbus, so what did you expect? You want cheap? March on over to any of the Chinese joints across the street. They’ll give you all they can cram into a bowl for under $ 5, I guarantee.

If you had $ 4.29 left in your pocket — and I mean * ONLY * $ 4.29 — I would ask –nay-​, I would implore –double nay-​, I would INSIST that you indulge in the blissful sugary goodness that is THE Banana Milkshake. Available in one size only. Nothing non-​fat about it.
Reach into your pocket/​under your desk/​in the laundry basket and GO! — whatever you do — just don’t take my word for it.

You know the food is bad when you’re drunk off your ass and you’re still saying «Man, this food is terrible. I miss Clown Alley.»
Convenience is not a reason to eat here, people.

one of my favorite place after my drinking on the town. after the doublecheese and fries, i felt protected on the way home.
the hot dogs were good here too. it didn’t bother me that only flaming gays seems to work here. this place soon turned into an italian resturant. that failed. the new clown alley didn’t seem the same.

If it walks like a clown
…and talks like a clown
…and scares like a clown (
)
Isn’t it still a clown?
That’s why it’s a real head-​scratcher to me why Tom Duffy, the owner of the tony Myth down Jackson, took this place over and changed the name. Clown Alley has been around almost as long as I have, and trust me, that’s a real long time. I used to come here during my college years and before that, when I was a cherubic child with my parents when the Doggie Diner was closed. Clown Alley is a bit of an institution for many a local baby boomer like myself.
But under its new name, absolutely nothing has changed. The circus décor is still there, the clown art, too. The burgers and dogs all look the same. The little condiments cart is still there. So what’s changed except the name? I can’t think of a thing except maybe a little bump in the prices. I had the $ 5.20 Cheeseburger and shared the $ 3.50 Chili Fries with Jamie W. We both thought it was pretty familiar– decent flavor and fairly hearty in portion — which we both found comforting. That’s when we realized we had to sing some Helen Reddy…
«Remember when the circus came to town
And you were frightened by the clown?
Wasn’t it nice to be around a burger that you knew?
Something which was big and juicy and looking out for
You and me against the world
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world…»
OK, we didn’t sing it, but hey, I was thinking about it.
FOOD — 3.5 stars…“What’s in a name? That which we call a burger by any other clown should taste as good. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d.”…that’s what Juliet said about Romeo when he took her here. Don’t quote me.
AMBIANCE — 3 stars… lotsa clowns still… hmmm, what lies ahead for a place now called Pickles?
SERVICE — 3 stars… same way it was prepared as before, one at a time… but some oomph was missing
TOTAL — 3 stars… jury’s still out… let’s see what Mr. Myth does to this place

I know it says that Unilocal is saying this place is closed but it was open last night!
After the Bubble Lounge, we went there. A friend had raved about how it was comparable to Nations so that was my entire focus towards the end of the night: get out of Bubble Lounge and go to Clown Alley.
Let down. I didn’t mind the lines, because at 3am, everyone leaving the bars probably had the same thought as me: drunk and hungry. I expected it to be a mess since drunk people tend to be messy. I was okay with the condiment stand and the way the mayonnaise looked gross to me as it probably had been sitting there for awhile. I was even okay with the wait as someone had accidentaly taken our burgers the first time it was made.
The burgers come with the cheese, lettuce and tomatoes and no condiments which is kinda cool cuz then you can put your own on as you see fit. But they weren’t good burgers. They were dry. Really dry. not just mine, but my boyfriends, and our friends also. And the fries were covered in salt.
Huge letdown. The friend that recommended it, and I decided that either it went downhill since a few years ago when he was here or his palette had greatly improved over the years.

This might be the hot dog by which all future hot dogs are judged. Split and grilled, it was like the Fourth of July in my mouth.
By the way, the sign out front now says «Pickles», but there’s still a whole lotta clown going on inside.

It’s some late hour on some weeknight. I wander over to Clown Alley, because it’s near and I’m hungry, and beef between bread seems like a simple enough solution to that.
While I’m eating, a drunk stumbles in, skips the cashier (who is standing around talking with the cook and doesn’t take much notice anyway) and makes his way directly to the restroom. This I note passively, chewing and chewing my burger.
A minute or so later, another drunk stumbles in: A handsome twentysomething from one of the nicer places across the street. He goes straight toward the restroom, but it’s still locked with the first drunk. Undaunted, our handsome friend wanders over to the next door, which is unmarked. He opens it; beyond, I catch a brief glimpse of a rack full of hamburger buns, and shelves with jars of other foodstuffs. He seems momentarily confused, then stumbles in, closing the door behind him.
I share a momentary «did you just see that?» glance with another patron and, recognizing that he did indeed just see that, I get up to inform the staff of the situation.
They get on it. They don’t seem happy about it, and I don’t blame them.
That whole experience, though not the fault of this establishment, was enough to convince me that maybe paying seven bucks for dry beef and soggy fries wasn’t really such a good idea after all. Still, it did leave me with a bit of a story, and a point for pride; for, while I can not claim to be as handsome as that young gentleman, I can at least say truthfully that I have never urinated on the hamburger buns of strangers. And that has to be worth something, right?

Went to Clown Alley today for the first time ever before 1:30am, & it almost felt like the first time! I’ve ended up here many times after drinking in North Beach.. . most notably with Todd E and company after my very first Unilocal Elite event at the Bubble Lounge. Back when I was a plus one-​r.
I remember it fondly, sitting in front of the Church of Scientology located next door carefully trying to balance all the chili on my dog, whilst trying to still look elite kind of.. . all at once. If my chili-​dog was into Scientology would it say that I need to stop taking anti-​depressants? NO! If my chili-​dog called me glib, would I toss it aside and go to Fatt Dog? NO! I want to jump on my couch and scream at the top of my lungs that I LOVE CLOWN ALLEY and I don’t care who knows!
Now that’s a stretch.
— Written by Kelly H’s talking stomach

Mmmm comfort food! Sure, your family doctor is gonna have a heart attack, but this is THE classic SF burger joint. I used to come by here a lot when I lived on Battery Street. I think the place only gets crowded during Fleet Week. Tucked between the Financial District, Jackson Square, North Beach, and Chinatown, this one little burger joint is in a neighborhood of its own. Truly real burgers, fries and shakes. Fat will cheer you up faster than anything else!
Note to vegetarians: the menu has a grilled eggplant sandwich on it.
I wandered in here last sunny Saturday. The place was almost empty. My order went on as I was calling it; the grill is right next to the cash register. A quick trip to the condiment cart in the middle of the dining area, for as much ketchup, mustard, pickles & onions as I wanted, and we were good to go!
There’s an outdoor patio surrounded by windscreens, and the bathroom was clean. Sitting in the sunny window watching the business people, the tourists and the drifters walk in, it was like being back in the 1960s. Which is actually when this place was established, the first time. Yes, it hasn’t been in continuous operation, but for a while the Clown Alley that came back was a lot like the original. Now the old mural is gone, but two portraits of Ringling Bros. clowns still remain. The ceiling is now covered with papier mache clowns hanging from trapezes, balloons, and parachutes. The jukebox is gone, but the burgers ARE STILL HERE!

Hungry in north beach? Have a deathly fear of clowns?
Well — immersion therapy is available right around the corner at the Clown Alley.
I had my birthday party here a few years ago. That was fun.
So yah, they serve mainly burgers at the Clown Alley. Which is weird, since are burgers really what Clowns eat? I’ve never given it much thought, but I guess it makes sense — burgers are kind of a convenient food when you’re driving tiny cars and wearing silly hats and big floppy shoes.
Anyway, the burgers are tasty, though I’ve never seen this place more than half full (or is it half empty)… Not that it’s a bad thing, but maybe Coulrophobia is more prevalent in our society than we thought…